“I once farted so loud that everyone in the grocery store ducked.”
Interviewer: “Ok… and any weaknesses?”
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Youll Never Hit Her From Here
Two guys were out playing golf.
Dan stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity – looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated friend Ken cried, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot,” answered Dan.
“Forget it, man,” said Ken. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
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Traumatized by the Ninth Grade
Wife approaches her husband while he is reading a book.
“Promise me you won’t get mad,” the wife whispered, her eyes fixed on the floor.
Her husband looked up from his book. “I promise. What’s going on?”
“And you won’t hit me?” she pressed.
The husband laughed, pulled her close, and said, “I have never laid a hand on you and I never will. You can tell me anything.”
She closed her eyes and braced herself for a slap. “I’m pregnant.”
“That’s incredible news!” Husband shouted, over the moon. “Why would you think I’d be angry about that?”
Wife wiped her brow and said, “I guess I’m just traumatized. Because when I told my mom the same thing in the 9th grade, she nearly killed me.”
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A Free and Independent Nation
An American man gets married to a British woman…
Before the big night, his father tells him:
“Tonight, I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.
Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.
And finally I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”
After the big night, the father asks his son, “So how was it?”
Son: “Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.”
Father: “Good!”
Son: “Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.”
Father: “Yeah!”
Son: “And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”
Father: “Very good! And then what did you do?”
Son: “I jacked off in front of her.”
Father: “What? Why would you do that for?”
Son: “To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!”
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Already Working on a Murder Case
A dizzy blonde decided she wanted to be a police detective. She visited her local police station to apply for a job and approached the desk sergeant.
The officer decided to have some fun and asked her a few questions.
“First, what’s a silver dollar made of?”
She thought for a moment before answering, “Um… Silver?”
“Good. Now, what color is a New York taxi?”
“Erm… Yellow, I think?”
“Very good,” said the officer. “Now, a more difficult one – who killed John F. Kennedy?”
She scratched her head and thought for a minute before saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”
The officer said, “Go home, think about it some more, and come back tomorrow.”
That night, she called her friend, who asked if she got the job.
She said, “Not only did I get the job… I’m already working on a murder case.”
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Little Johnny and the Mortgage
Little Johnny wanted a $200 bike, but his dad shut him down fast:
“Son, we have an $80,000 mortgage and I just got fired. No bike. Period.”
Two days later, Johnny is at the front door with a suitcase, looking like he’s moving to Mexico.
His dad asks, “Where the heck are you going?”
Johnny looks him dead in the eye and says:
“Look, I walked past your bedroom this morning. I heard you tell Mom you were ‘pulling out,’ and Mom said she was ‘coming too.’ Well, I’m not an idiot! I’m leaving now because I’ll be damned if I’m the only one left here to pay off that $80,000 mortgage!”
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The Elevator Operator
I took an elevator up to the 69th floor for a meeting and as I was getting out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I grumbled, “Don’t call me son. You’re not my dad.”
He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
After my meeting, I got back on the elevator to go back down and the same operator was there.
I didn’t say anything to him, but when we got to the ground floor, he said to me, “I’m sorry.”
“Because you thought you were my dad?” I asked him.
He shook his head. “No, son, because I let you down.”
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The Leprechaun Wish at the World Cup
England had made the FIFA World Cup final, but poor Nigel was absolutely gutted. Due to a spate of bad financial luck, he had to cancel his plans to travel across the pond and cheer on his countrymen in person.
While sulking on a walk, he spotted a four-leaf clover.
“Maybe my luck has turned,” he said hopefully to himself.
He picked it up, and suddenly, a little leprechaun with a bushy red beard appeared. It did a little dance and sang: “Hiya! I’m Happy McTavish, the magical leprechaun! It’s yer lucky fuckin’ day! Make yourself a wish, and I’ll grant it straight away! He-he-he!”
Nigel didn’t hesitate. “I wish to be on the pitch with England in the World Cup final!”
“DONE!”
The leprechaun snapped its fingers, and a moment later, Nigel was on the pitch. It was all he could do to not burst into tears. Then Nigel thought – Hold on. Where are my arms and legs?
Then BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face.
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Some Really Terrible Things for Money
In my day, I’ve done some really terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.
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What’s Your Husband’s Number
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche…
Astonished, my wife asked her, “How could you afford this?!”
“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.
Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”
“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister-in-law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
