look what I found in my mother’s room
Aye man, I wouldn’t watch that if I were you
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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The Scones for the Funeral
An elderly gentleman is lying on his deathbed in his home, surrounded by his family.
Suddenly, he opens his eyes, sniffs the air, and smiles weakly.
“Ah…” he whispers. “Is that my wife baking her famous warm, fresh scones?”
His grandson nods softly.
“Yes, Grandfather. She is in the kitchen right now.”
The old man uses every ounce of his remaining strength to crawl out of bed, shuffle slowly down the stairs, and make his way into the kitchen.
He reaches his trembling hand toward a beautifully golden scone cooling on the counter.
Suddenly, his wife smacks his hand away with a wooden spoon.
“Don’t touch those,” she says sharply. “They’re for the funeral.”
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The Deaf Mute Parents
A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his dreams across a dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night, the young man arrives at her house with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. “I’m sorry,” she exclaims, “I’m running a bit late. Please come in and I’ll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish dressing. I should warn you though, they are both deaf mutes.” With this, she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.
As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching football on TV and Mum is busy knitting.
After about 10 minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her backside. Just as sudden, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster. The young man is totally pre-occupied by the antics of the young lady’s parents.
At the end of the date, sensing something is seriously wrong, the young lady asks the young guy, “What’s the matter? What have I done wrong?”
“No, it’s not you,” he replied, “It’s just that the strangest thing happened whilst I was waiting for you and I’m still shocked. Well, first your mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back and places a match stick by his eye.”
“Oh, is that all?” replies the girl.
The man can’t believe her casual response.
“Mum was simply saying, ‘Are you going to get this asshole a drink?’ And Dad was replying, ‘No, fuck him, I’m watching the match.’”
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Her Mum Died Too
A blonde goes to work in tears.
Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?”
She says, “My mum died.” He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.”Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What’s wrong?” She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mum died, too!”
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The Ten Dollar Withdrawal
An elderly woman walked into a bank, handed her card to the teller, and said politely, “I’d like to withdraw $10.”
The teller barely looked up and replied, “For withdrawals under $100, you’ll need to use the ATM.”
The old lady calmly asked, “Why is that?”
Clearly annoyed, the teller handed the card back and snapped, “Those are the rules, ma’am. Please step aside if there’s nothing else. There’s a line of customers waiting.”
The old lady stood quietly for a moment, then handed the card back again and said, “In that case, I’d like to withdraw all the money in my account.”
The teller smirked… until she checked the balance.
Her attitude changed immediately.
Lowering her voice, she said, “Ma’am… you have $300,000 in your account. Unfortunately, we don’t keep that much cash on hand. We can arrange an appointment for tomorrow.”
The old lady nodded and asked, “How much can I withdraw right now?”
“Up to $3,000,” the teller replied warmly.
“Perfect,” the old lady said. “I’ll take it.”
Moments later, the teller returned with the cash, smiling and treating her like royalty.
The old lady carefully placed $10 into her purse… then handed the remaining $2,990 back across the counter.
“I’d like to deposit this back into my account, please.”
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The Master Key and the Bad Lock
A woman said, “If I sleep with 3 men, I’m labeled EASY.
But when a man sleeps with 10 women everyone calls him a real man. How come?”
A Chinese man replied, “It’s very simple.
Confucius say, when one lock can be opened by three different keys, it’s a bad lock!
But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!”
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Haven’t Heard From Him Since
Another friend recently quit his job to pursue a career to be a mime.
I haven’t heard from him since.
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Johnny’s Inventory
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
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Order in the Court
A judge addresses the wobbly defendant standing in front of him. “Sir, you’ve been brought before me for drinking.”
“Fantastic,” says the defendant. “Let’s get started!”
All present in the court burst out laughing.
Annoyed, the judge bangs his gavel and says, “Order! Order!”
And the defendant says, “All right… I’ll have a whiskey and soda.”
