Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Did You Call for Me

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A nice looking redhead walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts and within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him and says, “Did you call for me?” The newcomer replies, “No, what do you mean?” The hairy man replies, “You must be new. It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist and she says, “May I help you?” The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!” She replies, “But Sir, you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m an older guy. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 35 times a day.”

  • I Stepped on a Duck

    Three women got into a car accident. They all died. When they got to the gates of heaven, a saint stopped them and said, “There is only one rule in heaven – don’t step on the holy ducks.” They nodded and the saint let them through. Entering heaven, to their surprise, there were ducks everywhere.

    “Holy duck!” one of them exclaimed.

    They all tried their best not to step on one, but the number of ducks was unreal. Two days later, one of them stepped on a duck. The same saint appeared, bringing along the ugliest man that her eyes had witnessed. The saint said, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is being tied to this man for the rest of eternity,” and walked away.

    Two weeks later, a second woman also stepped on a duck. The same saint appeared and she got the same punishment.

    The remaining one, seeing the fates of her friends, got super careful. She managed to go months without stepping on one. Then one day, the saint appeared again, bringing with him the most beautiful man describable, and tied them together without saying anything and left.

    The woman was staring at her new man. The man said, “What?”

    The woman said, “I wonder what I did to deserve being tied to such a handsome man.”

    The man sighed and replied, “Well, I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

  • You Wanted Me to Say Shingles

    A man claims he has the smartest dog in the world. His friend doesn’t believe him.

    “Prove it,” the friend says.

    The man points to his dog and says, “Go get me something to eat.”

    The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.

    “Lucky guess,” says the friend.

    The man tries again: “Go get me something to drink.”

    The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.

    The friend is impressed but still skeptical.

    “Alright… ask him something harder.”

    The man nods and says, “What’s on top of a house?”

    The dog barks, “Roof!”

    The friend laughs. “That’s it? Any dog could do that!”

    The dog looks at him and says, “You wanted me to say shingles?”

  • Two No Shows But I Had Fun

    I had my first threesome tonight.

    There were two no shows but I had fun.

  • Its Dark in Here Isnt It

    A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Yes it is,” the man replies.

    “You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks. “No thanks,” the man replies.

    “I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues. “OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in. “Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

    The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.

    “Yes it is,” replies the man.

    “Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.

    “OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. “Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

    The next weekend, the little boy’s father says, “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”

    “I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.

    “How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

    “Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.

    “SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” the father explains as he hauls the child away.

    At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”

    “Don’t you start that shit in here now,” the priest says.

  • And Any Weaknesses

    “I once farted so loud that everyone in the grocery store ducked.”

    Interviewer: “Ok… and any weaknesses?”

  • Youll Never Hit Her From Here

    Two guys were out playing golf.

    Dan stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity – looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

    Finally his exasperated friend Ken cried, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”

    “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot,” answered Dan.

    “Forget it, man,” said Ken. “You’ll never hit her from here.”

  • Traumatized by the Ninth Grade

    Wife approaches her husband while he is reading a book.

    “Promise me you won’t get mad,” the wife whispered, her eyes fixed on the floor.

    Her husband looked up from his book. “I promise. What’s going on?”

    “And you won’t hit me?” she pressed.

    The husband laughed, pulled her close, and said, “I have never laid a hand on you and I never will. You can tell me anything.”

    She closed her eyes and braced herself for a slap. “I’m pregnant.”

    “That’s incredible news!” Husband shouted, over the moon. “Why would you think I’d be angry about that?”

    Wife wiped her brow and said, “I guess I’m just traumatized. Because when I told my mom the same thing in the 9th grade, she nearly killed me.”

  • A Free and Independent Nation

    An American man gets married to a British woman…

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Before the big night, his father tells him:

    “Tonight, I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

    Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.

    And finally I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

    After the big night, the father asks his son, “So how was it?”

    Son: “Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.”

    Father: “Good!”

    Son: “Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.”

    Father: “Yeah!”

    Son: “And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

    Father: “Very good! And then what did you do?”

    Son: “I jacked off in front of her.”

    Father: “What? Why would you do that for?”

    Son: “To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!”

  • Already Working on a Murder Case

    A dizzy blonde decided she wanted to be a police detective. She visited her local police station to apply for a job and approached the desk sergeant.

    The officer decided to have some fun and asked her a few questions.

    “First, what’s a silver dollar made of?”

    She thought for a moment before answering, “Um… Silver?”

    “Good. Now, what color is a New York taxi?”

    “Erm… Yellow, I think?”

    “Very good,” said the officer. “Now, a more difficult one – who killed John F. Kennedy?”

    She scratched her head and thought for a minute before saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”

    The officer said, “Go home, think about it some more, and come back tomorrow.”

    That night, she called her friend, who asked if she got the job.

    She said, “Not only did I get the job… I’m already working on a murder case.”