Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Traumatized by the Ninth Grade

    Wife approaches her husband while he is reading a book.

    “Promise me you won’t get mad,” the wife whispered, her eyes fixed on the floor.

    Her husband looked up from his book. “I promise. What’s going on?”

    “And you won’t hit me?” she pressed.

    The husband laughed, pulled her close, and said, “I have never laid a hand on you and I never will. You can tell me anything.”

    She closed her eyes and braced herself for a slap. “I’m pregnant.”

    “That’s incredible news!” Husband shouted, over the moon. “Why would you think I’d be angry about that?”

    Wife wiped her brow and said, “I guess I’m just traumatized. Because when I told my mom the same thing in the 9th grade, she nearly killed me.”

  • A Free and Independent Nation

    An American man gets married to a British woman…

    Before the big night, his father tells him:

    “Tonight, I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

    Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.

    And finally I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

    After the big night, the father asks his son, “So how was it?”

    Son: “Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.”

    Father: “Good!”

    Son: “Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.”

    Father: “Yeah!”

    Son: “And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

    Father: “Very good! And then what did you do?”

    Son: “I jacked off in front of her.”

    Father: “What? Why would you do that for?”

    Son: “To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!”

  • Already Working on a Murder Case

    A dizzy blonde decided she wanted to be a police detective. She visited her local police station to apply for a job and approached the desk sergeant.

    The officer decided to have some fun and asked her a few questions.

    “First, what’s a silver dollar made of?”

    She thought for a moment before answering, “Um… Silver?”

    “Good. Now, what color is a New York taxi?”

    “Erm… Yellow, I think?”

    “Very good,” said the officer. “Now, a more difficult one – who killed John F. Kennedy?”

    She scratched her head and thought for a minute before saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”

    The officer said, “Go home, think about it some more, and come back tomorrow.”

    That night, she called her friend, who asked if she got the job.

    She said, “Not only did I get the job… I’m already working on a murder case.”

  • Little Johnny and the Mortgage

    Little Johnny wanted a $200 bike, but his dad shut him down fast:

    “Son, we have an $80,000 mortgage and I just got fired. No bike. Period.”

    Two days later, Johnny is at the front door with a suitcase, looking like he’s moving to Mexico.

    His dad asks, “Where the heck are you going?”

    Johnny looks him dead in the eye and says:

    “Look, I walked past your bedroom this morning. I heard you tell Mom you were ‘pulling out,’ and Mom said she was ‘coming too.’ Well, I’m not an idiot! I’m leaving now because I’ll be damned if I’m the only one left here to pay off that $80,000 mortgage!”

  • The Elevator Operator

    I took an elevator up to the 69th floor for a meeting and as I was getting out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I grumbled, “Don’t call me son. You’re not my dad.”

    He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

    After my meeting, I got back on the elevator to go back down and the same operator was there.

    I didn’t say anything to him, but when we got to the ground floor, he said to me, “I’m sorry.”

    “Because you thought you were my dad?” I asked him.

    He shook his head. “No, son, because I let you down.”

  • The Leprechaun Wish at the World Cup

    England had made the FIFA World Cup final, but poor Nigel was absolutely gutted. Due to a spate of bad financial luck, he had to cancel his plans to travel across the pond and cheer on his countrymen in person.

    While sulking on a walk, he spotted a four-leaf clover.

    “Maybe my luck has turned,” he said hopefully to himself.

    He picked it up, and suddenly, a little leprechaun with a bushy red beard appeared. It did a little dance and sang: “Hiya! I’m Happy McTavish, the magical leprechaun! It’s yer lucky fuckin’ day! Make yourself a wish, and I’ll grant it straight away! He-he-he!”

    Nigel didn’t hesitate. “I wish to be on the pitch with England in the World Cup final!”

    “DONE!”

    The leprechaun snapped its fingers, and a moment later, Nigel was on the pitch. It was all he could do to not burst into tears. Then Nigel thought – Hold on. Where are my arms and legs?

    Then BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face.

  • Some Really Terrible Things for Money

    In my day, I’ve done some really terrible things for money.

    Like getting up early to go to work.

  • What’s Your Husband’s Number

    My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche…

    Astonished, my wife asked her, “How could you afford this?!”

    “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

    Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

    “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister-in-law. “What’s your husband’s number?”

  • Do You Have a Weedeater

    Two Tennessee rednecks decided they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

    Bubba turns to Billy Ray and says, “Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.”

    Billy Ray really doesn’t think very much, but says that he’ll go along for the ride.

    The next day, Bubba and Billy Ray go down to the Community College, and Bubba meets the Admissions Counselor. After a short discussion, the Counselor signs Bubba up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

    “Logic?” Bubba says. “What the heck is that?”

    Well, the Counselor says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weedeater?”

    “Yeah, I sure do,” says Bubba.

    “Then I can assume, using logic, that because you own a weedeater, you must have a yard,” replied the Counselor.

    “Hey, that’s really good!” replied Bubba.

    The Counselor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also probably own a house.”

    Impressed, the redneck said, “That’s amazing, yes, I do have a house!”

    “And because you have a house, and a yard, you might also logically have a family,” said the Counselor.

    “Hey, this is some good stuff! Yes, I do have a family!” says Bubba.

    The Counselor said, “I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”

    “Yes, I sure do have a wife, her name is Betty Sue,” said Bubba.

    The redneck was starting to catch on.

    “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are probably heterosexual,” said the Counselor.

    “You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard, figuring all that out ’cause I own a weedeater! I can’t wait to take this logic class!” said Bubba.

    The redneck, so proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Billy Ray was waiting.

    “So what classes are ya takin’?” asked Billy Ray.

    “Math, English, History, and Logic!” replied Bubba.

    “Logic?” Billy Ray says. “What’s that?”

    Bubba says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weedeater?”

    “No.”

    Perplexed, Bubba ponders for a moment, then says, “Then you’re homosexual, ain’t ya.”

  • The Second Coming

    A Catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, “I’m pregnant.”

    He asks, “How did this happen, my child?”

    She says, “I think it must be the second coming.”

    The priest, shocked by this reply, asks, “What makes you think it is the second coming?”

    She replies, “Because I swallowed the first one!”