Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Talking Dog on the Porch

    A traveling salesman breaks down on a country road.

    He goes to the only farmhouse he can see. As he’s approaching the porch, a dog sits up and says, “Good afternoon, how are you?”

    “Oh my, you can talk!”

    “Yeah, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. The government found out about me and trained me to spy for them. Who would think the dog in the room was listening and reporting back what was said? I traveled the world several times over, sometimes helping to stop a war, and sometimes to start one. It was all very exciting but I finally decided to settle down here at this farmhouse and spend my remaining days on this peaceful porch.”

    “Wow, that’s amazing!”

    The salesman knocks on the door and asks the farmer if he’s interested in selling the dog.

    “Sure, I’ll take 10 bucks for him.”

    “Why so little, you do know he can talk?”

    “Yeah, I know, but he’s a liar. He’s never been off this porch!”

  • Every Week You Get New Matches

    In other news, there’s a new dating app that caters to arsonists.

    Every week you get new matches!

  • The Medicare Motel

    Old Man: “Doc, we’d like you to watch us… you know… and let us know if we’re doing it right.”

    The doctor was puzzled but agreed. When they finished, the doctor was impressed. “Everything looks perfectly fine—in fact, very impressive for people your age!” He charged them a $50 consultation fee.

    This went on for months. They’d routinely book an appointment, do their thing, pay the doctor, and leave.

    Finally, unable to hold back his curiosity, the doctor asked, “Exactly what kind of sexual dysfunction are you two trying to consult me about?”

    The old man smiled widely and replied: “Oh, we don’t have any issues, Doc. She’s married, so we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to mine. A three-star hotel costs $90, a five-star is $120… but here it’s only $50, and I get $43 of it back from Medicare!”

  • The Spies and the Firing Squad

    A British spy, Irish spy and Scottish spy are captured by the Nazis…

    Just as the Nazis are about to open fire, the British spy shouts

    “Hurricane!”

    and all the Nazis run, allowing the British spy to escape

    Angered, they return, and prepare to shoot the Scottish spy when he shouts

    “Typhoon!”

    and all the Nazis run, allowing the Scottish spy to escape

    The Nazis return again, angry, to kill the Irish spy when he shouts

    “Fire!”

  • She’s Left-Handed

    A wife asks her husband, a true golf nut, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

    He ponders for a moment, then says, “After a proper grieving period, yes, I suppose I would. Companionship is a good thing.”

    “If I died and you remarried,” the wife next asks, “would she then live in this house?”

    He pauses to collect his thoughts, and then says, “Well, we’ve spent a lot of time and money getting this house to our exact liking. So yes, I think she would.”

    “If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house,” the wife continues, “would she also sleep in our bed?”

    Not exactly sure where his wife is going with all of this, he offers, “Well, the bed is nearly new and should last for many more years. Yes, I’m sure she would.”

    “If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed,” the wife probes further, “would she use my golf clubs?”

    “Oh, no,” the husband replies, far too quickly. “She’s left-handed.”

  • Golf Balls on the Bus

    A man got on the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde woman.

    The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

    Finally, after many glances from her, he looks at her and says, “It’s golf balls.”

    The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

    Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she empathetically asks, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

  • The Cyanide Prescription

    A nice, calm, and respectable woman walks into a pharmacy, goes straight to the pharmacist, looks him in the eye, and says, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The pharmacist asks, “Why on earth do you need cyanide?”

    The woman replies, “I need it to poison my husband.”

    The pharmacist’s eyes widen, and he exclaims, “My God! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! We’ll both go to jail! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

    The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo and replies, “Well, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

  • Ed and Nancy and the Golf Confession

    Ed and Nancy met on a singles cruise, and from the moment Ed saw her, he was absolutely captivated. They spent the days dancing under the stars, sharing long conversations by the deck rail, and laughing over fancy cocktails.

    When they returned home and realized they lived just a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. Without hesitation, he began asking her out.

    In the weeks that followed, Ed took Nancy to dance clubs, candlelit dinners, concerts, movies, and museums. Every date was better than the last, and with each passing moment, Ed grew more certain—Nancy was the one.

    To celebrate the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed planned something special: a romantic evening at an elegant restaurant.

    As they sipped their cocktails, waiting for their salads, Ed took a deep breath, straightened his tie, and cleared his throat.

    “Nancy,” he began, his eyes warm with sincerity, “I think you can tell—I’m completely in love with you. But before we take the next step, I need to be upfront about something.”

    Nancy leaned in, intrigued.

    Ed continued, “Before I reach into my jacket for a certain little box and ask you a life-changing question, there’s something you should know. I’m a golf fanatic. I play, I read about it, I watch it on TV—I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s a deal-breaker, now’s the time to tell me.”

    Nancy took a slow sip of her drink, set it down, and smiled. “Ed, that won’t be a problem at all. I love you just the way you are, and I love golf too!”

    She paused, then added, “But since we’re being completely honest… I should tell you that for the last five years, I’ve been a hooker.”

    Ed blinked. His mind raced. Then, after a brief pause, he leaned in with a knowing grin and said,

    “Well, that’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you swing.”