I grilled a chicken for two hours…
Still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Home in Time for Dinner
Decided to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money!
I should be home in time for dinner.
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That Bar Shit Is Over
My wife and I had only been married two weeks when I told her, “Honey, I’m going to Hank’s Tavern for a beer. I’ll be right back.”
“Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” she asked.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” I said. “Just for a beer.”
“You want a beer, my love?” She opened the fridge and showed me 25 different kinds from 12 countries.
“Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar they have frozen glasses…”
“You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She pulled out a huge frozen mug from the freezer.
“Yes, Tootsie Roll… but they have really good hors d’oeuvres there too…”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She took out trays of chicken wings, pigs in blankets, and mushroom caps.
“But baby, at the bar there’s swearing and dirty words…”
“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FUCKIN’ BEER IN YOUR STUPID FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DUMB ASS HORS D’OEUVRES RIGHT HERE! YOU’RE FUCKIN’ MARRIED NOW — THAT BAR SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?”
Exactly why I’ve been married for 27 years….
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The Golf Mulligan
A buddy of mine was in his residency as an ER doctor and his shift was just ending on a Saturday afternoon. As he was trying to walk out the door, he sees this old man in golf clothing dragging his unconscious wife into the ER.
She’s covered in blood from a head wound and my friend immediately starts looking her over right there in the lobby of the emergency room to find her wound.
Trying to remain calm he asks, “What happened here, sir?”
The husband is in a panic and totally exhausted from carrying her dead weight from the parking area, and is just stumbling over his words and rambling all over the place as he tries to explain.
“Well, me and my wife have been married for 35 years and every Saturday morning since our wedding day we’ve played a round of golf together. You see her dad was a local golf pro…”
“Sir, please try to focus here. How did your wife get injured?”
“Sorry. So I play from the men’s tees, she plays from the women’s tees, and she normally drops me off in the cart before heading over to her tee box, and waits for me to hit and then I walk over to her.”
“Sir!” My buddy’s getting frustrated, because he’s really struggling with the wound, there’s a lot of blood, and he’s working frantically at this point.
“I’m explaining it to you, son! So anyways she drops me off like always and I set up for my drive and I thinned it! I never thin it! Never! But, TODAY, I thinned it! Lo and behold that ball had eyes for my dear wife, Agnes’ head. I yell ‘Fore!’ but she wasn’t looking and boom! Straight to the back of her head!”
He just starts weeping at this point, clearly overcome by guilt.
Finally my buddy finds the cause of the bleeding but he’s confused.
“Sir, I actually see two injuries here.”
The old man dries his eyes, instantly gains his composure, and states matter of factly, “Well I had to take a mulligan.”
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A Quick 9 Holes
A guy and his wife had their 27th wedding anniversary last Sunday.
He said, “Honey, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant, and have an awesome evening planned for the two of us. But would it be alright if I got in a quick 9 holes first?”
She replies, “Of course. Go have some fun!”
He goes to the golf course and decides to have a beer before teeing it up. A very attractive blonde comes up to him at the bar and says, “I’ve had my eye on you for years. Forget golf for today, chug your beer, and we’re going back to my place!”
She’s not going to take no for an answer, drags him back to her house, and screws his brains out!
The man, feeling extremely remorseful, decides that he has to tell his wife about his infidelity, and he returns home.
The GPS shows that his house is right around the corner from where he cheated on his wife, and he realizes that he just slept with his neighbor!
He walks through the door and tells his wife, “Honey, I have to tell you something. I didn’t end up playing golf today. I haven’t been faithful to you, and actually ended up sleeping with Jennifer from two streets away.”
His wife replied, “Bullshit! You rat bastard, you played 18 holes, didn’t you!”
