Today I bought two bananas, an apple, and a pack of cigarettes. The cashier looked at me and said, “You must be single, huh?” And I’m like, “How do you know that?”
She said, “Because you’re ugly.”
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
Wife wanted me to put the magic back into our relationship.
But I don’t think sawing her in half was what she was thinking.
When I was a kid, a wizard gave me a choice — to have a giant dick, or perfect memory.
I forgot which one I picked.
What has one leg and licks balls?
My amputee girlfriend.
I should be happy because I have a new girlfriend. The problem is she has the same name as my sister. So every time we have sex now…
…all I think about is my new girlfriend.
I’ll never forget what my granddad said to me before he croaked.
He said, “Hey kid, wanna hear my frog impression?”
I was trying to get romantic with the new nurse at my doctor’s office, so I asked her to dim the lights before she gave me the tetanus booster.
I guess it was just a shot in the dark.
Should NBC be concerned? They keep getting communications that affect the weather from some rogue terrorist group called “Al Roker.”
I’ve always been different from most people. For instance, I bleed at the sight of someone passing out.