You know that guy who made the movie “Super Size Me,” in which he gained 31 pounds after eating nothing but McDonald’s food for an entire month? That dude totally ripped me off. I did it first, except he filmed it or something.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Stop pretending that I cared
My wife stopped pretending to have orgasms years ago. That’s all right with me, though, because it allowed me to stop pretending that I cared.
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Souble Standards
When I’m sitting in a restaurant with a date and she asks, “Do you mind if I smoke?” I always feel like saying, “No, but do you mind if I sit here beside you and discreetly masturbate under the tablecloth?”
Regrettably, I never do, since by the time she gets around to asking about the cigarette, I’m usually half finished and have no intention of stopping anyway.
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A complete prick
When I first met Richard Peter Johnson, he seemed like a decent guy, but he turned out to be a complete prick.
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Came out of the closet
While the police are wrongly referring to it as an aborted attempt to rob a convenience store, I couldn’t be prouder that I finally came out of the closet with my pantyhose fetish.
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A ceiling rafter
I found a guy kayaking in my attic when I got home from work today…
It turns out he was a ceiling rafter.
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Bearly A Joke: Legal Trouble in the Woods
An American lawyer and his Czech brother-in-law are on a hunting vacation in Canada.
As they exit their tent, they run into a male and female bear in the middle of an intimate moment. Enraged at the interruption, the male bear roars, rears up, and, with a sudden pounce, swallows the lawyer’s brother-in-law whole!
The American runs for help, calling out for their Canadian ranger guide, who shows up with his hunting rifle. The American points at the male bear and says, “Quick! Shoot him, but be careful—my brother-in-law’s inside his belly!”
The ranger levels his hunting rifle, takes aim, and shoots the female bear dead! Startled by the shot, the male bear runs off.
The American falls to his knees, looks at the Canadian, and asks, “Why did you shoot the wrong bear?”
The ranger scoffs and says, “Did you really expect me to believe a lawyer who tells me the Czech is in the male?”
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Condom Conundrums: A Young Man’s Dilemma
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
The pharmacist tells him they come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which he’d like.
“Well,” the young man says, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while, and she’s really hot. I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her parents, then we’re going out afterward. I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky… and once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time. Better give me the 12-pack.”
So he buys the condoms and leaves.
Later that evening, he’s sitting at dinner with the girl and her parents. He asks if he can say the blessing, and they agree.
He starts praying… and keeps praying… and praying… for several minutes.
Finally, the girl leans over and whispers, “You never told me you were such a religious person.”
He whispers back,
“You never told me your father was a pharmacist.”
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A lot of things changed
When my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot of things changed.
Like my name, my phone number, and my address. -
Hooked on Rescue: A Fishy Dilemma!
Three guys are fishing out of a boat. One guy’s lure gets stuck, and when he tries to reel it in, the line breaks. He tells the others with him that the lure was his favorite and that he is not leaving without it.
He takes off his shirt and shoes and jumps in. He’s down there for such a long time that one of the other guys jumps in to try and save him. That guy is down for a while, but finally the guy still in the boat sees the second guy pop up with the first guy in tow.
The one in the boat helps pull the guy in and right away starts to give him mouth-to-mouth. Almost instantly, he stops and says, “I can’t do it—his breath is horrible.”
The other guy takes over as soon as he gets into the boat. Then he stops and says, “You’re right! I don’t remember his breath ever being that bad. In fact, I don’t remember him wearing that snowmobile suit.”
