Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Priorities: Lawyering vs. Giving Back

    A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.

    The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

    “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um… no.”

    “—or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

    The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted.

    “—or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

    The lawyer cut him off once again: “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

  • Ex-Wife’s Comeback: Love Beyond Worn-Out!

    A husband sees his ex-wife on the street. Knowing she remarried, he says, “Hey! How does your new husband like that worn-out old pussy of yours?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    And she says, “He likes it just fine, once he gets past the worn-out part.”

  • I didn’t know she sold flowers

    My girlfriend asked why I never buy her flowers.

    I told her I didn’t know she sold flowers.

  • Don’t Worry, It’s Just the Drums!

    The Drums, the Drums!

    Two intrepid explorers are navigating up a remote river in Africa with the assistance of some native bearers.

    The first night, around the fire, the sound of drums can be heard in the distance. The explorers are clearly discomfited by the sound, but the natives tell them to relax—it’s not a big deal.

    The following night, the drums can be heard again, only much closer and louder. The explorers think this can’t be good and are visibly shaken. Again, the bearers tell them to calm down, that the drums are harmless.

    The third night, the drums are louder still, and the explorers are barely keeping it together. Suddenly…the drums stop.

    Now it is the bearers who are quaking, trembling in terror. When the explorers ask them the reason for this, the leader says, in a quavering voice,

    “Very bad! When drums stop, bass solo begins!”

  • Furry Trouble in the Forest!

    A bear and a bunny rabbit were pooping next to each other in the woods. The bear asked the bunny if it had problems with poop sticking to its fur.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The bunny replied with a soft, “No, Mr. Bear, I don’t have a problem with poop sticking to my fur.”

    So, the bear wiped its butt with the bunny rabbit.

  • You got a drink named Steve?

    A grasshopper walks into a bar.

    The bartender tells him, “You know, we have a drink named after you.”

    The grasshopper answers, “You got a drink named Steve?”

  • We don’t want any kids

    My wife and I have decided we don’t want any kids.

    We’re going to tell them in the morning.

  • It definitely wouldn’t be this one

    I saw a guy carrying a screaming toddler across the parking lot.

    He noticed me looking at him and said, “He’s mine. I’m not stealing him or anything.”

    Before I could reply, he added, “If I was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn’t be this asshole.”

  • Businessman’s Unique Cravings: Homesick Humor

    A businessman walks into a brothel.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He asks the lady working the front desk, “I’d like a room, and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, most boring-in-bed woman—and a ham sandwich.”

    The receptionist looks at him, confused, and says, “For that price, we could get you our youngest, kindest, slimmest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings.”

    The businessman replies, “Lady, you don’t understand. I’m homesick.”

  • Worms, Wagers, and Wily Whippersnappers!

    A boy and his grandfather were digging in the backyard when the grandfather pulled a long earthworm out of the dirt.

    The boy says, “Hey, Grandpa. I bet you five bucks I can put that worm right back in the ground.”

    “No way that’s possible,” says the grandfather. “You’re on.”

    The kid goes inside, gets a can of hairspray, and sprays the length of the earthworm, which goes completely stiff. He takes it between his fingers and slides the worm right back into its burrow.

    The grandfather shakes his head and, with an “I’ll be damned,” hands the kid a five-dollar bill and heads inside.

    After a while, he comes back out to the yard and hands the kid a five-dollar bill.

    “Grandpa,” the kid says, “you already paid me.”

    “I know,” the grandfather replies. “That’s from Grandma.”