I have a friend who passed away recently and they are having the funeral at 7am. I’ve decided not to go… I have never been a mourning person.
Joke Type: dark humor
Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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The Anniversary Gift in the Driveway
A wife was furious because her husband forgot their wedding anniversary.
She crossed her arms and yelled, “Tomorrow morning, I want something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under five seconds!”
The husband said nothing.
The next morning, the wife walked outside and found a small wrapped box sitting in the driveway.
Confused, she opened it.
Inside was a brand-new bathroom scale.
According to hospital staff, the husband is expected to make a full recovery.
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The Police Dog Fetch
Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs.
One says to the other, “I left my panties at the police station.”
The other says, “Let the dog have a whiff of your minge and he’ll go and fetch them.”
Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector’s fingers.
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Every Week You Get New Matches
In other news, there’s a new dating app that caters to arsonists.
Every week you get new matches!
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The Lawyer’s Billable Hours
A lawyer goes to heaven.
St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks, “Are you sure it is my time? I’m not that old?”
St. Peter says, “What do you mean? You’re 86 years old.”
The lawyer says, “No I’m not… I’m only 58. Why do you think I’m that old!”
St. Peter says, “Well, we just added up all of the hours you’ve billed to your clients.”
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The Cyanide Prescription
A nice, calm, and respectable woman walks into a pharmacy, goes straight to the pharmacist, looks him in the eye, and says, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asks, “Why on earth do you need cyanide?”
The woman replies, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes widen, and he exclaims, “My God! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! We’ll both go to jail! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo and replies, “Well, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
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The Organ Donor
There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.
Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked, and she sought the advice of a surgeon.
“Sure, we can reduce the amount of external flesh and create a more aesthetically appealing area in the process. Just know that the procedure will result in a lengthy healing process,” the doctor said after a thorough examination.
“Please, doctor. I need this,” the woman said.
The procedure went very successfully. No complications, sutures in the right places, everything was shaping up to heal quicker than expected.
When the woman woke up, she had three bouquets next to her bed. The first was a modest six roses and a card. The card read, “To my daughter, I hope your recovery is swift. We may have our differences, but I will always love you. – Mum.”
The second bouquet was two dozen beautiful roses and also had a card. This card read, “I can’t wait to see that delicious slot when it’s healed. I’ll triple the usual rate to have first crack at it! – #1 John.”
There was a third bouquet that had a dozen roses, a dozen daffodils, a dozen sunflowers, two dozen lilies, and countless protea blooms. But there was no card accompanying it.
Her doctor came in to follow up on the surgery and after examining her, she said, “Excuse me, doc? I know who these two gifts came from, but there wasn’t a card for the third. I don’t know who to thank for the gesture. Would you happen to know who sent these?”
The doctor smiled and looked at his feet, as if slightly embarrassed. “Well, ma’am. When we copied your ID for record keeping, we saw you were an organ donor. Those flowers are from someone on the fourth floor burn ward. They wanted to thank you for their new ears.”
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Put Me Down for a Five
Police have been called to an apartment, and upon arrival find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes,” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.”
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know — put me down for a five.”
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How Do You Arrange a Flood
Two retired New York businessmen run into each other in Florida.
After the usual greetings, the second one asked the first guy, “What happened to your business?” The first guy answers, “Competition started eating into my profits. There was a fire that destroyed the business so I decided to take the insurance money and retire. What about your business?” The second guy says, “Similar to you but I had a flood destroy my business.” The first man asks, “How do you arrange a flood?”
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So Full of Himself
Did you hear about the arrogant cannibal who started eating his own arms and legs?
He was so full of himself.
