when you haven’t stolen anything in a week
Joke Type: dark humor
Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Jew In Oven
Carryout Orders:
76 LINDSEY – Now – Ready
78 MARTIN SCHMIDT – Now – Ready
79 LYNN MURRAY – Now – Ready
81 JEW – 4 minutes – In Oven
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No Mother Robs Store
NO MOTHER SHOULD HAVE TO FEAR FOR HER SON’S LIFE EVERY TIME HE ROBS A STORE
RESIST AND !!
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Odyssey Named After
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
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Die Positive Surroundings
The doctor said if i can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.
I’m going to die.
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Rest In Peace
Wife: Babe you know if you die, I’m definitely coming with you.
Husband: I can’t even rest in peace.
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The Third Old Lady Couldnt Reach
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench.
All of a sudden a strange man in a trench-coat walks in front of them and blatantly flashes them.
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady also had a stroke.
But the third old lady couldn’t reach.
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Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
15. Purchase of this product does not guarantee opportunity to actually use this product.
14. Improper attachment may create choking hazard.
13. DANGER: You *do* realize he’s never going to call you after this, don’t you?
12. We call it “large,” but that’s just to make you feel better, stud.
11. This product does not prevent beer-goggle regret.
10. “Ribbed” is in no respect meant to imply any guarantee that your particular use of this object will actually result in “her pleasure.”
9. Caution: Contents should not be mixed with alcohol and high school reunions.
8. The United States Government has recommended a Constitutional Amendment banning use of this product by anyone who is single or under 18 years of age.
7. The baby you prevent with this prophylactic will forever jab your sinning ass with pitchforks in Hell.
6. Only to be used in a locked and upright position.
5. Warning: May be used by pedophile circus clowns to make balloon French poodles.
4. Using this condom for same-sex acts is inconsistent with U.S. government policy — and don’t think we’re not watching, Nancy-Boy!
3. Caution: Removal process may involve painful yanking of pubic hair.
2. Not to be taken internally unless filled with cocaine.
1. Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking after use of this product has been found to cause cancer in happy, sexually satisfied laboratory animals.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
My Boss Is Like a Fine Wine
My boss is like a fine wine. All I want to do is drive a corkscrew into him but my co-workers keep saying, “Not yet, let’s wait for a special occasion.”
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Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp
The Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp
14. Your name: John
Your brother’s name: John
Your other brother’s name: John
Your sister’s name: Trixie13. Buys all his clothes at “Dennis Rodman’s House of Cool-Looking Shit.”
12. Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.
11. Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.
10. Comes home from work grumbling about “that damn Roxy in the S&M Department.”
9. When he’s carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, “$40 gets you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!”
8. Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.
7. After you collect for your paper route, he demands his “taste.”
6. Charlie Sheen is your godfather.
5. You’re the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has ocelot seat covers.
4. His most common threat: “Don’t make me slap you — this is my day off!”
3. Like Ward Cleaver, carries a pipe. Unlike Ward Cleaver, shares his pipe with your aunts.
2. Enough about the stable already, where’s the damn pony?
1. Every Christmas and birthday present: Another big-ass medallion.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
