Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
“I have two pieces of bad news,” the doctor says.
“What are they?”
“Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer.”
“What’s the second piece of news?” he asks.
“Well, the second piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer’s.”
The man laughs and says, “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”
“Yup.”
“What if you miss?”
He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”
“Okay, well, I’ve got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”
“Let’s go,” the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off.”
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks.
“Hold on a minute,” said the assassin. “I think I can save you 10K.”
TV: The CDC says to refrain from
handshakes
Jeffery Dahmer: *stops blender*
Aww
