Joke Type: dialogue

Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

Coffee on the Captain

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed and passengers waited with bated breath.

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

One Irish passenger yelled, “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACK OF MINE!!!”

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Four Foot Long Rubber Penis Medicinal Use
Retirement Benefits Without ID

Yesterday, I went to apply for retirement benefits but forgot my wallet. The clerk said, “Just unbutton your shirt.”

I showed my gray chest hair. She said, “That’ll do,” and processed everything.

When I told my wife, she said, “You should’ve dropped your pants, maybe you’d qualify for disability too.”

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Dinner at the Boss’s House

I was having dinner at my boss’s house…
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash Chaos

…and his wife, serving up, said, “How many potatoes would you like?”

“I’ll just have two please,” I said.

“You don’t have to be polite,” she replied.

“Ok, I’ll just have two please, you stupid cow.”

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Jesus Walked Everywhere

A young man asks his religious father for some money to buy a car…

The father says, “Not until you cut your hair and shave that beard.”

The son replies, “But Jesus had long hair and a beard.”

“That’s true, son,” says the father, “but Jesus also walked everywhere he went.”

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Judas I Dont Tell You How To Do Your Job
The Psychology Student

A man is drinking alone at a bar counter. A young woman approaches and asks if she can sit next to him. He agrees.

She immediately shouts, “WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO GO TO A MOTEL WITH YOU?”

The man, startled, says, “I didn’t say any of that, I just agreed that you could sit next to me.”

She shouts again, “WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH ME AT THE MOTEL?”

He looks around and everyone in the bar is staring at him. Embarrassed, he decides not to say anything more and goes back to drinking his beer.

Then the young woman leans closer to him and says quietly, “Sorry about that, but I’m a psychology student and I’m researching how people react to unexpected and embarrassing situations. I apologize for this disturbance.”

He looks at her and shouts, “WHAT? TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS?”

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Dark Humor Blind No Hands Clap
Kids Eat Free Steak And Bud Light
Infrequently

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of the physical side of their relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.

“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.

The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered — “Is that one word, or two?”

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