Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
Father Rick has lately gotten news that some of the Sisters had been naughty, and he decided to take action. He gathered the Nuns and made them line up in front of the church’s courtyard fountain of holy water.
Famous dentist Sam and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sam looked at his wife’s face for a moment and asked, “Darling, did you ever cheat on me in these fifty years?”
The woman, quite surprised by her husband’s question, remained silent for a while.
“If my answer is yes, wouldn’t your opinion of me change? Do you still want to know despite everything?”
“No, my love, it wouldn’t change, and I really do want to know. Please tell me.”
“Since you want to learn, yes, darling, I cheated on you three times,” the woman replied.
“Who were these people?” Sam asked.
“The first one,” the woman began to explain, “remember when you were 30 years old and wanted to open your own clinic, but no bank manager would give you a loan? Then one bank manager came to the house. Without asking anything, he had you sign all the papers, and you were able to open your clinic with ultra-modern equipment. Do you remember?”
“Ahhh, my darling. So you sacrificed yourself for me, my dear wife,” Sam said. “And the second one?”
“Remember when you had a heart attack at 39, and you needed critical bypass surgery, but no doctor had the courage to do it? You could have died any moment. Dr. Halery got up from all that distance, came, performed your surgery, and brought you back to life,” his wife said.
“Ahhh, my beloved wife, so you sacrificed yourself once more to save my life, is that right? And the third infidelity?”
“Do you remember? Years ago, you were 43 and wanted to become the president of the dentists’ chamber, but you were 147 votes short…”
Teacher is teaching her class and notices that Johnny isn’t paying attention.
So she calls on him: “Johnny, if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?”
Johnny replies, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there would be two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Then Johnny turns the tables and asks the teacher: “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream—which one is married?”
The teacher, trying to be proper, says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny grins and says, “No, the one with the wedding ring… but I like how you’re thinking!”
An Irish daughter left home for 5 years and returns.
When she returns, her Father curses her badly.
“Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Dad… I became a prostitute.”
“Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”
“OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath) …and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera.”
“What was it ye said ye had become?”, says Dad.
Girl, crying again, “A prostitute, Daddy!”
“Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”
