Me: “It’s a phallic symbol.”
Blonde Secretary in the office: “Ooh! I’d hate to tell you what it looks like!”
Joke Type: dialogue
Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Haircuts — The Difference Between Men and Women
Haircuts — The difference between men and women
Women’s version:
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Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men’s version:
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Man2: Haircut?Man1: Yeah.
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All These Years Ive Been Wringing It
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
“Wow,” Gary said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”
“Like what?” Martin said.
“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Gary said.
“Well, what’s yours like?” Martin said.
“Straight, like normal,” Gary said.
“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
“What did you do that for?” Martin said.
“Shaking off the excess drops,” Gary said. “Like normal.”
“Cripes,” Martin said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it.”
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Take a Clean Dish
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.
“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish and….’”
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Standing on It
Teacher to Little Johnny: “You’re late again. What’s your excuse today, Johnny?”
LJ: “There was a man outside who lost a hundred dollar bill.”
Teacher: “Oh… so you were helping him find it? That’s very nice of you, Johnny.”
LJ: “Well, not really… I was standing on it.”
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I Never Got This Far Before
One bright and cheery Saturday morning, a man hears a knock at his front door and answers it.
The stranger says, “Hello. I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, and I am here to enlighten you with some inspirational religious stories.”
After a quick thought, the homeowner says, “Well, come on in.” He takes the stranger to the living room. “Please have a seat and let me bring you a cup of coffee.”
Upon returning with a freshly brewed cup, he says to the stranger, “Now, what about these stories you have to enlighten me with?”
The Jehovah’s Witness says, “Fuck if I know. I never got this far before.”
