Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
notquitesoancient: you know who’s gay? paul the real estate novelist who never had time for a wife and davey who’s still in the navy and probably will be for life
mooncustafer: New headcannon: everyone in that song is gay except the Piano Man who has no idea he’s playing at a gay bar and the staff and regulars have a betting pool on how long he’ll take to finally figure it out. So far John is ahead.
skeleton-richard: #that makes the ‘man what are you doing here’ line way funnier
There were three recruits that were on their way up the ranks after joining the FBI for top-ranking officers. There was one final test for them to do before they were chosen to officially join the top ranks, and if they failed, they would not be chosen for the prestigious position.
So there were three doors, and the commander explains what each of them needs to do. He says, “Behind the door with your name on it is each one of your wives, and for the final test you must go in that room — there will be a gun sitting on the table — and you need to kill your wife.”
There is an awkward silence for a few minutes before the first guy goes in the room with his name on it. A few minutes later, he comes bursting out of there crying, “I can’t do it! I just can’t do it!” He hands the gun to the commander and walks away.
The second guy goes into the room with his name on it, and he’s in there for a little bit longer. He calmly comes out of the room, hands the commander his gun, and says, “Nope, can’t do it.”
So the third guy goes in the room with his name on it, and he’s in there for quite a while. And then all of a sudden everyone outside the door hears “BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!” then “click, click, click, click,” and then they hear what sounds like a struggle. A few minutes later, the third guy comes out and says, “God damn it, somebody put blanks in this gun, so I had to take off my jacket and strangle the bitch.”
Cop: ur car smells like marijuana
Me: whoever smelt it dealt it
Cop: gosh dangit
Me: ur under arrest
A woman was getting her hair done at the salon for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the woman. “Not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand-new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome twenty-eight-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the Teste hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”
“Oh, really! What’d he say?”
He said, “Who fucked up your hair?”
A rich donor is given a tour of the new hospital wing named after her.
The tour guide shows her all the wonderful people she’s helped, the staff they hired, and the medical equipment her philanthropy helped fund. As they tour one of the bottom floors, they come to a room where a man is furiously masturbating. The rich donor is appalled and wants to cut the tour short.
The tour guide says, “Ma’am, you don’t understand. This man has a very rare condition. If he doesn’t ejaculate every hour or so, poisons will accumulate in his blood and he’ll die soon after.”
Relieved by the explanation, the rich donor decides to continue the tour. She’s shown the cancer ward, obstetrics, the highly advanced surgical ward, and finally the top floor that houses the sickest patients. As the tourists pass a room, the donor notices a patient receiving a blowjob from a nurse. Again, she is appalled and wants to end the tour.
The tour guide says, “Remember down on the first floor with the guy masturbating?”
She replies, “How could I forget?”
The tour guide says, “Well, this man has the same condition, only much better insurance.”
My girlfriend asked to do a 69.
I said, “What’s that?” She said, “Lie down and I’ll show you,” so she went to squat over my face.
As she did, she farted and jumped up and said, “Sorry,” and then tried again. She then farted a second time.
With that, I jumped up and said, “I’m fucked. I’m not hanging around for another sixty-seven of them.”
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes,” she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
God: Build a big fucking boat
Noah: Do you mean a very large boat or a boat made for fucking.
God: *pauses*
God: Both
[Job interview]
“What are ur strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“umm okay… what are ur weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
