Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
“Father, I committed all seven deadly sins in thirty minutes.”
“Wow,” the priest says. “I’ve got to hear this.”
“I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily seduced his wife, ate all his groceries, and didn’t share.”
“You forgot pride,” the priest says.
“No,” I say. “I’m pretty proud of this.”
A husband is talking to his friend about the vacation he and his wife just got back from.
“Hoh, you should have seen this place, it was absolutely gorgeous!” the husband says.
“Where did you go?” the friend asks.
“Well… it had this beautiful beach just outside the hotel, the sand was almost bright white!”
“But what was the place called?”
“Umm… it had a huge swimming pool, and a spa and everything.”
“Yes, but what was the name of the place?”
“Hang on, it’s at the tip of my tongue… something flowery. Name a flower.”
“Rose?”
“No, not rose… something else.”
“Tulip?”
“No, keep going.”
“Lily?”
“Lily! That’s it!” He turns to his wife. “Hey, Lily! What was the name of that place?”
A man in his late seventies has a wife fifty years younger than him. Every year he goes to his doctor for an body check. One year, he tells his doctor “Hey doc! Look at my wife! Isn’t she pretty? Guess what? I got her pregnant!”
Upon hearing that, the serious doctor looked up from his clipboard. He replied, “You remind me of my friend John, when he was hunting in Africa. He was aiming at a zebra when a leopard starting chasing him. John wanted to grab his rifle, but soon realized that he didn’t have it in his pouch! But the leopard was already a couple meters away from him… so John acted like his fingers were guns… and shouted BAM! BAM! BAM! very loudly… and to John’s surprise… the leopard collapsed… and died!”
The old man replied, “That’s nonsense! Someone else must’ve done it!”
The doctor, with a sly smile on his face, simply responded, “I think so too.”
Two nuns were out driving one night when a vampire jumped onto the hood of their car.
The first nun yelled to the second “Sister, show him your cross!”
So the second nun leaned out the window and screamed “Hey! Get the fuck off our car!”
A guy moves to the middle of nowhere in Alaska — no towns, no roads, just snow and existential dread.
About a week later, there’s a knock at the door. He opens it to find a man standing there like it’s the most normal thing in the world.
“Hey,” the man says. “I’m your neighbor — I live about fifteen miles away. I’m throwing a party tonight and wanted to invite you.”
The new guy brightens up. “A party? Out here?”
“Yep,” says the neighbor. “There’ll be drinking and fighting…”
“Wow,” the new guy says. “Sounds fun.”
“…and then sex, there will be loads of sex.” the neighbor adds.
The new guy freezes. “Uh — okay. How many people are coming?”
The neighbor smiles. “It’ll just be you and me.”
Little Johnny’s mom sits him down before they go visit their neighbor who just had a baby boy.
“Listen to me very carefully,” she says. “The poor baby was born without a chin because of a rare genetic condition. His mother is extremely sensitive about it. If you make even the tiniest comment about his chin, you are grounded for a whole month. Got it?”
Johnny nods obediently.
They arrive, chat for a while, and then Johnny turns to the new mom with a sweet smile and asks:
“When your son grows up, will he move out of the house one day?”
“Yes, of course, hopefully when he goes to college.”
“Will he wash his own bedsheets?”
“Well, who else is going to wash them? Yes.”
“And will he iron them too?”
“Yes, he’ll iron them.”
“And put them away in the closet?”
“Obviously, where else would they go?”
“So, how is he going to fold them?”
Two men are sitting next to each other on a train, both sporting black eyes. Naturally curious, the first man looks at the other and says, “So, how’d you get the black eye?”
The other man replies, “Well, it was a Freudian slip.”
“What’s that?” the first asks.
“It’s when you mean to say one thing, but you accidentally say another that reveals what you’re really thinking,” explains the second.
The first man nods. “Oh. So what happened?”
“Well,” says the second, “I was buying my ticket for the train, and the woman at the counter had the biggest boobs I’d ever seen. So when I meant to say ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said ‘two pickets to Tittsburgh’—hence the black eye.”
The first guy laughs and says, “That’s funny, something similar happened to me. This morning, I was eating breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say ‘could you pass the jam,’ but I accidentally said, ‘you ruined my life, you stupid bitch!’”
“Does this dress make me look fat?”
“Promise not to be mad, whatever I say?”
“Yes, of course.”
“I fucked your sister.”
