Joke Type: setup-punchline

Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The MIT Engineer’s Salary Negotiation

    At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you looking for?”

    The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. “I’m thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package.”

    “Hmm,” says the interviewer. “Well, what would you say to five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years — say, a Porsche?”

    The engineer gasps and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

    “Yeah,” replies the interviewer, “but you started it.”

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  • The High-Speed Excuse

    A man is going 85 miles per hour on a motorway when he sees a police car in his mirror.

    He thinks for a moment as the officer is getting closer and then floors it, 95… 110… 140… Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows down and pulls over to the roadside.

    The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places his hands out where they can easily be seen.

    “You were going a little fast there,” the officer says, “but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself.”

    The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied, “Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a police officer. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the mirror, I thought you were bringing her back!”

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  • Got Here in Two

    A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, takes a mighty swing, and hits the ball into a clump of trees.

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    After looking for a minute, he finds the ball and sees that there’s an opening between two trees, and like every ‘weekend professional’ he’s completely confident that he can make the perfect shot!

    Taking out a 3 iron, closing the club-face and his shoulder, he executes a low punch shot that comes off the face like a bullet.

    The ball hits a tree, bounces straight back, hits him in the forehead and kills him instantly!

    As he approaches the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asks, “Are you a good golfer?”

    The man replied, “Got here in two, didn’t I?”

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  • Penny in Sunday School

    Penny was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble.

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    “Penny,” the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. “Who created the universe?”

    When she didn’t stir, Mark, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil.

    “God Almighty!” shouted Penny, and the teacher said, “Very good.”

    A while later the teacher asked, “Penny, who is our savior?” But again Penny didn’t stir from her slumber.

    Mark poked her again with his pencil. “JESUS Christ!” exclaimed Penny.

    “Very well done,” said the teacher, impressed by her enthusiasm.

    Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?” and again, Mark jabbed her with the pencil.

    This time Penny jumped up and shouted, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!”

    The teacher fainted.

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  • Satan Meets His Match in Church

    A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

    Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

    So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

    “Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

    “Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

    “Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.

    “Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.

    “Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY… for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

    “Yep,” was the calm reply.

    “And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.

    “Nope.”

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?!”

    The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for the last 48 years.”

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  • Bread in Captivity

    I went to the zoo last week. The first exhibit was a ciabatta, the second a baguette, and the third a brioche.

    They were all bread in captivity.

  • Chess With the Cat

    I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat…

    I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever.

    My cousin replied, “Absolutely not! She has lost all her matches!”

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  • Calling Crisco in the Supermarket

    A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!”

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    Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”

    The old guy replies, “Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my wife. She’s in here somewhere.”

    The clerk is astonished.

    “Your wife’s name is Crisco?”

    The old guy answers, “Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we’re out in public.”

    “I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call her at home?”

    “Lard ass.”

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  • Pulled Over for Swerving

    The police pulled me over last night and said, “Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?”

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    I said, “I’ve had eight drinks, officer.”

    The officer replied, “Sir, that’s no excuse to let your wife drive.”

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