Joke Type: setup-punchline

Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Which President Said That?

    A little boy was sitting in class. The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon and there was nothing left to do for the week, she’d let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

    The teacher said, “Okay class, which president said, ‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself’?”

    Little Timmy was bouncing up and down in his seat, arm raised: “OOH! OOH! I KNOW!”

    Before the teacher could call on him, little Julie stood and said, “Franklin Roosevelt.”

    “Very good, Julie, you can go,” the teacher replied. “Okay class, which president said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country’?”

    Again, little Timmy’s hand shot into the air and he waved his arms excitedly. “OOH! OOH! I KNOW! PLEASE!”

    Again, before she had a chance to call on anyone, little Sally stood and said, “John Kennedy.”

    “Very good, Sally, you may leave also.” The teacher asked again, “Okay class, which president said, ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall’?”

    Before Timmy could answer, little Jennifer jumped up and shouted, “Ronald Reagan!”

    Frustrated, little Timmy mumbled to himself, “I wish these bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!”

    The teacher heard and shouted, “WHO SAID THAT?!?”

    Timmy jumped up: “Bill Clinton! Can I go now?”

  • One Leg

    What has one leg and licks balls?

    My amputee girlfriend.

  • No Shit

    Immediately after mass one Sunday morning, a man stops to shake the preacher’s hand. “That was a goddamned fine sermon you gave today,” the man tells the preacher. “Goddamned fine!”

    “Thank you, sir,” the preacher answers, “but I’d rather you didn’t use that kind of foul, blasphemous language in the Lord’s house.”

    “You know, I was so goddamned impressed with that fucking sermon that I put $5,000 in the goddamned offering plate!” says the man.

    And the preacher says, “No shit!”

  • Flappuccino

    What is the female equivalent of teabagging?

    A flappuccino.

  • Chinese Amputee

    What do you call a Chinese amputee?

    Tai Wan Shu.

  • Mike Tyson’s Religion

    How can you tell Mike Tyson does not like religion?

    Because he punches everyone on their faith.

  • Can’t Win a Mall

    I entered a lottery to win an entire shopping center, but I failed.

    I guess you can’t win a mall.

  • Mirror Mirror

    I want to have sex with someone who’s as attractive as I am.

    That’s why I always masturbate in front of a mirror.

  • Same Name

    I should be happy because I have a new girlfriend. The problem is she has the same name as my sister. So every time we have sex now…

    …all I think about is my new girlfriend.

  • The Golfing Widower

    Jim and Bob are golfing together on a Sunday morning. They’re both on the green, which is near a county highway.

    As Jim lines up his putt, a funeral procession goes by on the highway. Jim immediately stops, takes off his hat and bows his head.

    Bob is impressed. “Wow, Jim. That’s really a profound sign of respect. I’m impressed.”

    Jim answers, “Well, Bob. We were married for 41 years. It’s the least I could do.”