Joke Type: sexual innuendo

Sexual innuendo jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Doctor’s Three-Day Sex Schedule Backfires

    The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, “It’s not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an “R” in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.”

    Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico’s orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver.

    Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.

    Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, “What day is it honey?”

    She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, “Mondray.”

  • Woman Asks Doctor to Change Vibrator Batteries

    A woman gets her vibrator stuck inside her. She goes to the doctor to remove it and the Dr. says “it’s too far up there, I can’t reach it enough to pull it out”.

    The woman then replies “if you can’t get it out, can you at least reach it well enough to change the batteries?”

  • No Means No Dyslexic

    No Means No Dyslexic

    NO MEANS NO, UNLESS SHE’S DYSLEXIC

    THEN IT’S ON

  • Medium and Rare

    Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

    A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

  • Dead Chicken, Nearly Lost Mommy

    Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven. They buried the chicken and that was that.

    Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”

    “What?” his father replied.

    “When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, Jesus I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!”

  • Duct Tape Viagra

    Duct Tape Viagra

    “Hope you don’t mind… I’m out of Viagra, so I used duct tape.”

  • Four Types of Orgasms Explained Hilariously

    John: you know there are four types of orgasms?

    Jim: no what are they?

    John: There’s the POSITIVE, NEGATIVE, RELIGIOUS and FAKE.

    The positive goes oh yes! oh yes!.
    The negative goes oh no! oh no!
    The religious goes oh God! oh God!
    And the fake one goes OH JIM! OH JIM!.

  • Wetting My Fingers to Turn the Pages

    There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

    The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, “What are you doing taking all your gear off?”

    The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier.”

    The husband said, “No, not at all.”

    The wife then asked, “Well, what were you doing then?”

    “Oh,” he said, “I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!”

  • 500 Votes Per Boob

    Well, another election in my household has passed and the results are in: The Sex-Every-Sunday Referendum was defeated soundly, 1000-1. I knew agreeing to the 500-vote-per-boob Electoral College would come back to haunt me.

  • X-Ray to X-Rated

    If I were to ever get X-ray vision, I expect it would last about ten seconds before becoming X-rated vision.