Coronavirus panic day 3: I was forced to catch a squirrel today, not for food, I just used it to wipe my ass… It was not happy
Joke Type: shock value
Shock value jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence
The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence
15. Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!
14. I say zip it — zip it good!
13. Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.
12. Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!
11. Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!
10. Just Say Whoa
9. Join the celibate Top 5 Contributors!
8. The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!
7. Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!
6. Leave It Near Beaver
5. Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5” reruns.
4. You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!
3. Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!
2. Spend a little time away from the orifice.
1. “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ] -
Top 13 Signs Youre a Slut
The Top 13 Signs You’re a Slut (R-rated)
16. AT&T gives you a volume discount for monthly booty calls.
15. Charlie Sheen keeps spraying you with Lysol.
14. Your only concern is whether he’s breathing or not, and rigor mortis can waive that requirement.
13. Kid Rock declines because he considers you “too skanky.”
12. You had an access-card reader installed in your ass crack.
11. The city finally broke down and built a freeway exit ramp directly to your driveway.
10. Your breast “accidentally” pops out on national TV during a halftime show.
9. Forget dinner and a movie — *you* settle for malt liquor and Polaroids.
8. Last night, you had sex with the entire band… the New York Philharmonic.
7. You make weekly lingerie runs to Costco.
6. During your scheduled OB/GYN appointment, you surprise the doctor by wearing edible panties. With maple syrup poured on them.
5. Even Cardinal Law won’t cover for you any more.
4. You’ve X’ed out every square in this month’s Kama Sutra Bingo card. Come to think of it, you actually *invented* Kama Sutra Bingo.
3. You legally changed your name to Slutty McSlut.
2. “You had me at ‘Gesundheit!’”
1. Drive-through customer: “Two cheeseburgers and a vanilla shake.”
Your response: “You want sex with that?”[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
Top 12 Pickup Lines at the Masturbate-a-Thon (X-Rated)
The Top 12 Pickup Lines Used at the Masturbate-a-Thon (X-rated version)
12. “Can I interest you in a protein shake?”
11. “Hey, handsome. Would you like some coffee with that cream?”
10. “Hey, is that a cucumber in your pocket? And if so, can I borrow it for about 15 minutes?”
9. “Avoid the clam dip.”
8. “I don’t mean this to sound like a typical pick-up line, but you have beautiful labia.”
7. “Hello, Richard. My name’s Dick. Have you met my friend, Peter?”
6. “How’d you like to blow this joint?”
5. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘goo’ and ‘eye’ together.”
4. “Care to get rid of the sock and slip into something more comfortable?”
3. “Come here to come here often?”
2. “Oops — sorry about that. Consider it a compliment. Can I get you a towel?”
1. “Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
Wanna fuck? Yes? Great!” -
Taking Out the Bodies of the Previous Owners
I really enjoy taking out the trash from my new home. It’s hard to explain, but walking the trash to the curb the night before trash day really makes me feel like a homeowner. Especially now that I’ve taken out the bodies of the previous owners.
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Room 319
A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his lady of the evening. He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and told him to get down to it.
He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange happened. About five minutes into the deed he felt something in his mouth. He stealthily spit it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of carrot.
“Oh man, that’s fuckin nasty!” he thought, but he said nothing and continued. Five minutes later he came up with a pea.
“Christ! I can’t take this much more. There’s something wrong with this bitch.” But again he said nothing and gave it one more shot. This time it was a piece of chicken. He could stand it no longer.
“Fuck! I can’t do this anymore! I’m gonna throw up!”
“That’s funny,” the hooker said, “That’s what the last guy did.”
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Broken Condoms Couch
Him: Why are broken condoms on the couch?
Her: Would you PLEASE start using our children’s real names?
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Joel Osteen Phrasing
Do not swallow anything Satan is trying to ram down your throat. Jesus comes first. – Joel Osteen
HOLY SHIT, JOEL!
PHRASING!!
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Angry Raccoon
angry raccoon
When banging a girl from behind, you stick both your pointer fingers in her ass, and when she turns around in shock, you take your shitty fingers and circle around her eyes, making the appearance of a raccoon. Then you run out of the house, knocking over the trash can on the way out.
After a visit to the zoo, I felt compelled to give my girl the angry raccoon.
