Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says, “They look so calm—they must be British!”
The Frenchman responds, “No, no! They’re naked, so beautiful—they must be French!”
The Russian says, “They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise? …They’re clearly Russian!”
A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, “Mummy, how did I get my name?”
“Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that’s why we named you Rose.”
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
“Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that’s why we named you Lily.”
The third girl asks “HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!”
“Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock.”
A businessman wants to buy a farmhouse.
After discussing the price and coming to common ground on the terms, they shake hands, and the property is practically sold.
As they do a final walkthrough of the land, the businessman notices a beehive on the property and says, “Please, this needs to be removed—or take them with you. They could sting; it’s dangerous.”
The farmer answers, “They’ve never stung me once since they’ve been here. I’ve never had any problems with them. I understand that you’re afraid, though, so let’s do it like this: I’ll tie you to this tree right here and leave you here butt naked overnight. If any bee stings you, I’ll give you my property for free.”
They agree on those terms and shake hands again.
The next morning, the farmer checks on the businessman and finds him all dried up, skinny, pale, eyes rolled back, and barely holding himself up.
The farmer is shocked at the sight and says, “I want to apologize. This was a terrible idea. They never stung me or anyone who ever came by. Tell me, how many stung you?”
The businessman, barely speaking, says, “None… but tell me, does that calf of yours not have a mother?”
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer.”
Then I saw her face.
Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water?
Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It’s two-tired.
