I asked my cousin what his favorite grade in school was.
“3rd.”
“Why?”
“Best two years of my life.”
Sensitivity: Clean
Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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A Remarkable Guy
My friend Mark changed his name to something else, but now he’s thinking about changing it back.
Truly a remarkable guy.
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Getting Farther Away From the Paint Can
Billy Ray was hired to paint the yellow stripes on the highway. His first day he painted 10 miles.
The second day he only painted 5. His boss, seeing how he was getting slower, decided to give him a day off, thinking that he needed a rest. When he came back the next day, he only painted 1/2 mile.
His now discouraged boss came up to him one day and said, “Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?”
“Simple,” Billy Ray answered, “I’ve been getting farther away from the paint can!”
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This Thing Changes Everything
I got a new universal remote last week and let me tell you, this thing changes everything.
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Because I Don’t Do Any of These Things
Nobody sees the 5am runs.
Nobody sees me choosing a salad over fries.
Nobody sees me doing yoga in a peaceful sunlit room.
Because I don’t do any of these things.
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Me Neither
A primary school teacher said to a lady, “Madam, I’m sorry to tell you that in class, your son is copying from his classmate.”
The lady asks, “Why do you say that?”
The teacher replies, “Well, he and his neighbor make the same mistakes.”
The lady says, “Ah, but it may be his classmate is copying from him!”
The teacher replies, “No, because on an assignment they were asked where the island of Montreal is. His classmate wrote, ‘I don’t know,’ and your son wrote, ‘Me neither.’”
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I Stepped on a Duck
Three women got into a car accident. They all died. When they got to the gates of heaven, a saint stopped them and said, “There is only one rule in heaven – don’t step on the holy ducks.” They nodded and the saint let them through. Entering heaven, to their surprise, there were ducks everywhere.
“Holy duck!” one of them exclaimed.
They all tried their best not to step on one, but the number of ducks was unreal. Two days later, one of them stepped on a duck. The same saint appeared, bringing along the ugliest man that her eyes had witnessed. The saint said, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is being tied to this man for the rest of eternity,” and walked away.
Two weeks later, a second woman also stepped on a duck. The same saint appeared and she got the same punishment.
The remaining one, seeing the fates of her friends, got super careful. She managed to go months without stepping on one. Then one day, the saint appeared again, bringing with him the most beautiful man describable, and tied them together without saying anything and left.
The woman was staring at her new man. The man said, “What?”
The woman said, “I wonder what I did to deserve being tied to such a handsome man.”
The man sighed and replied, “Well, I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
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You Wanted Me to Say Shingles
A man claims he has the smartest dog in the world. His friend doesn’t believe him.
“Prove it,” the friend says.
The man points to his dog and says, “Go get me something to eat.”
The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.
“Lucky guess,” says the friend.
The man tries again: “Go get me something to drink.”
The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.
The friend is impressed but still skeptical.
“Alright… ask him something harder.”
The man nods and says, “What’s on top of a house?”
The dog barks, “Roof!”
The friend laughs. “That’s it? Any dog could do that!”
The dog looks at him and says, “You wanted me to say shingles?”
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Youll Never Hit Her From Here
Two guys were out playing golf.
Dan stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity – looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated friend Ken cried, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot,” answered Dan.
“Forget it, man,” said Ken. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
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Traumatized by the Ninth Grade
Wife approaches her husband while he is reading a book.
“Promise me you won’t get mad,” the wife whispered, her eyes fixed on the floor.
Her husband looked up from his book. “I promise. What’s going on?”
“And you won’t hit me?” she pressed.
The husband laughed, pulled her close, and said, “I have never laid a hand on you and I never will. You can tell me anything.”
She closed her eyes and braced herself for a slap. “I’m pregnant.”
“That’s incredible news!” Husband shouted, over the moon. “Why would you think I’d be angry about that?”
Wife wiped her brow and said, “I guess I’m just traumatized. Because when I told my mom the same thing in the 9th grade, she nearly killed me.”
