Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Chicken Was Delicious

    Four brothers left home for college — one became a lawyer, one a doctor, one a scientist, and one an entertainer. They all went on to be very successful.

    When their elderly mother was living alone, each son decided to give her a special gift.

    Years later, the brothers were talking about what they had done for her.

    The first said, “I had a beautiful, large house built for Mama.”

    The second said, “I installed a state-of-the-art home theater — cost a small fortune.”

    The third said, “I bought her a brand-new luxury car with a full-time chauffeur.”

    The fourth smiled and said, “You know how Mama loves reading the Bible — and you know her eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible from memory. It took 12 scholars and 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge $100,000 a year for 20 years, but it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name the book, chapter, and verse.”

    A few weeks later, Mom sent out her thank-you notes.

    To the first son, she wrote: “The house you built is enormous. I live in one room, but I have to clean the whole thing. Thank you, dear.”

    To the second son, she wrote: “The theater is lovely, but I don’t hear well anymore and I can barely see. Thank you anyway.”

    To the third son, she wrote: “The car is beautiful, but I rarely go anywhere. I mostly stay home. Thank you all the same.”

    And to the fourth son, she wrote: “You were the only one who truly put thought into your gift. The chicken was delicious.”

  • No Honey, No Butter

    One afternoon Tommy was playing in the backyard when he smacked a buzzing honeybee with a stick.

    His dad saw it and said, “Tommy! That’s not nice. Because of that, you’re not getting any honey for a whole month!”

    A little later, Dad walked outside again and caught Tommy pulling the wings off a butterfly.

    “Well, that does it,” his dad said. “No butter for you for a month either!”

    That evening, Tommy’s mom was making dinner in the kitchen when a cockroach suddenly ran across the floor. She shrieked, grabbed her slipper, and squashed it flat.

    She turned around and noticed Tommy and his dad staring at her.

    Tommy looked up at his father and said, “Well, Dad… are you going to explain it to her, or should I?”

  • Everything’s Bigger in Texas

    A blind man travels to Texas and checks into a hotel.

    When he gets to his room, he feels around and runs his hand across the bed.

    “Good grief, this bed is huge!” he says.

    The bellhop chuckles and replies, “Sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”

    Later that evening, the man heads down to the hotel bar.

    He climbs onto a tall barstool and orders a beer.

    The bartender sets a giant mug in front of him.

    The man feels around the glass and says, “Wow, this drink is enormous!”

    The bartender laughs and says, “Well sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”

    After a few beers, the man asks where the restroom is.

    The bartender says, “Second door on the right.”

    The man heads down the hallway but accidentally walks into the third door instead.

    Unfortunately, that door leads straight to the hotel swimming pool.

    He falls in with a big splash.

    A moment later he pops his head above the water, waving his arms wildly and shouting:

    “DON’T FLUSH! DON’T FLUSH!”

  • The Elevator Operator

    I took an elevator up to the 69th floor for a meeting and as I was getting out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I grumbled, “Don’t call me son. You’re not my dad.”

    He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

    After my meeting, I got back on the elevator to go back down and the same operator was there.

    I didn’t say anything to him, but when we got to the ground floor, he said to me, “I’m sorry.”

    “Because you thought you were my dad?” I asked him.

    He shook his head. “No, son, because I let you down.”

  • At the Finnish Line

    Where did the Helsinki marathon end?

    At the Finnish line.

  • A Big Step Forward

    My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

    That would be a big step forward.

  • Some Really Terrible Things for Money

    In my day, I’ve done some really terrible things for money.

    Like getting up early to go to work.

  • Sails Are Going Through the Roof

    I started a business making yachts in the attic.

    Sails are going through the roof.

  • Theyre Looking for Us With Lanterns

    Jack and John went camping. After setting up their tent and relaxing for a while, it got dark and suddenly they were surrounded by mosquitoes. So they quickly got inside the tent and hid under the blanket.

    After some time, Jack decided to peek outside. He lifted the blanket and slightly opened the tent door, only to see a bunch of fireflies glowing outside.

    He immediately jumped back under the blanket and whispered to John:

    “Don’t go out… they’re looking for us with lanterns.”