Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Man goes to the dermatologist with a strange skin condition

    A man visits his dermatologist because his skin has become strangely pink and rubbery, like a ham. It’s like this all over his body.

    The doctor asks him if he has any clue what could have caused this change, and the man admits that he recently tried out a hygiene tip he read about online: rubbing salt all over himself and sleeping while covered in it.

    The man says “Surely there’s some way to fix this before it gets any worse?”

    The doctor just says “You’re already cured.”

  • Stairs: Always Up to Something!

    I don’t trust stairs.

    They’re always up to something.

  • Stretching Sentences: A Lawyer’s Favorite Workout

    A lawyer’s favorite exercise is stretching one sentence into six billable pages.

  • A lawyer has surgey

    A lawyer wakes up after surgery and sees the recovery room completely dark.

    He asks, “Nurse, why are the blinds closed?”

    She says, “There’s a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you waking up thinking the surgery didn’t work.”

  • Trying to sell a dog

    A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face.

    A regular sees him and says “Hey guy, you doing alright?”

    “I’m doing terrible” the guys says “I’m having money troubles and the only option I got left is to sell my beloved dog. So, I’m just traveling around town asking if anyone wants to buy him off me. He’s in the car now.”

    “I’m sorry to hear that” says the regular, “what are you asking for him?”

    “500 dollars” the man says.

    “Whoa that’s a lot of money for a dog” the regular says

    “Well, it’s like that dog is a part of my family. He’s the gentlest, sweetest dog you’ve ever seen. He never barks, unless there is an intruder, in which case he turns into the meanest SOB that ever lived. When he needs to go, he’ll just nudge your leg once or twice and then sit by the door and wait till you’re ready to let him out. My kids and wife love him, and are going to hate me for selling him, but I don’t have any other options.”

    The regular says “well jeez, guy. If the dog is that good, I’ll take him. I’d be happy to help you out”

    A year later the man walks into the bar again.

    This time the regular is there again, but he screams “YOU! YOU SOLD ME THAT GOOD FOR NOTHIN’ SON OF A BITCH DOG. That dog does nothing but shit all over the house. He barks constantly, and tries to bite my wife and kids every chance he gets. I swear to god the day I bought that dog was the last good day I’ve had!”

    The man looks at the regular, smiles, and says “Mister… you’re never ever gonna sell that dog if you keep talking about him like that”

  • Decoding DNA: National Dyslexic’s Association Explained

    What does DNA stand for?

    National Dyslexic’s Association.

  • Bar Humor: A Twist on Soviet Jokes!

    In Soviet Russia, a bar walks into you!

  • Serpentine Shenanigans: A Barroom Surprise!

    A snake walks into a bar, the bartender says “How the hell did you do that?”

  • Oops! Comedy Strikes at the Bar

    A guy walks into a bar and says, “Damn! That hurt!”

  • A young priest is hearing confession

    A young priest is hearing confession for the first time on a dull, damp Saturday afternoon.

    He hears the church door open, and someone comes stumbling in from the rain, staggers over to the confessional, and half-falls in, yanking the door shut behind him.

    Then everything is quiet for a while, and the priest hears only labored breathing and the occasional drunken mutter from the other side before it lapses into silence.

    It seems like the visitor has fallen asleep, so the priest gives a discreet cough and a tap on the partition.

    From the other side, a heavily refreshed voice says, “It’s no use coughing, and it’s no use knocking, sir. There’s no paper on this side either!”