Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Worlds Smartest Man Just Jumped Out With My School Backpack

    There are four people on an airplane: The pilot, the President of the United States, the world’s smartest man, and a student from a local school.

    Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

    “I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a problem with the engine. We’re going down!”

    Everyone prepares to evacuate, but there’s a problem. There are only three parachutes. One person will have to stay behind.

    The President says, “I’m the President. My country needs me!” He grabs a parachute, straps it on, and jumps out.

    The world’s smartest man says, “I’m the smartest man in the world. I must survive for the sake of my great inventions!” He grabs a bag from the same area, puts it on his back, and jumps out.

    Now only the pilot and the student remain, and there appears to be just one parachute left.

    “Well,” says the pilot, “you take it. I suppose the captain goes down with his ship.”

    “Actually,” says the student, “there are two parachutes.”

    The pilot looks confused. “How?”

    “The world’s smartest man just jumped out with my school backpack.”

  • It Tastes Like Ass

    If you’ve never tried donkey meat, don’t bother.

    It tastes like ass.

  • Easy Peasy Lemons Queasy

    A pea, a lemon, and a potato were leaving a bar at the top of a very steep hill after a long night.

    The pea, feeling quite energetic, shouted, “Lads! We’re all round—let’s just roll home!” and immediately shot down the hill.

    The lemon wobbled after him, but his oval shape made him list violently from side to side, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. The potato followed behind, trundling along slowly.

    When the potato finally reached the bottom, he found the lemon leaning against a lamp post, looking very pale and clearly sick. The pea, however, was already jumping up and down. “That was brilliant! Let’s do it again!”

    The potato looked at the lemon, then back at the pea, and said: “Easy peasy, lemon’s queasy.”

  • I’ll Get Halfway Across and You’ll Turn the Light Off

    Two crazy guys are planning to escape the asylum. One night, they climb onto the roof. Across from them is another building.

    The first guy says, “I have my flashlight. I’ll turn it on, and you can walk across the beam of light to the other roof!”

    The second guy shakes his head and says, “What do you think I am, crazy? I know what you’ll do… I’ll get halfway across, and you’ll turn the light off!”

  • Whatd You Do With the Boat

    A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience changed every week, so he repeated the same tricks.

    The only problem was the captain’s parrot, who saw every show and figured out the secrets.

    In the middle of performances, the parrot would shout: “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “He’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

    The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything about the captain’s bird.

    One day the ship sank. The magician ended up on a piece of wood in the ocean… with the parrot right beside him.

    They stared at each other in silence for days. Finally, the parrot said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

  • In That Case Ill Take Two

    A contractor wanted to give a politician a sports car. The politician objected saying, “My basic sense of ethics would never permit me to accept a gift like that.”

    The contractor said, “I quite understand. Suppose we do this: I’ll sell you the car for ten dollars.”

    The politician thought for a minute and said, “In that case I’ll take two.”

    And that’s how things are in Congress today!

  • Not Remotely Funny

    I told a joke on a Zoom meeting and no one laughed.

    It turns out I’m not remotely funny.

  • But Your Client Didnt

    A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia.

    There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

    In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

    “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

    He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

    A minute passed. Nothing happened.

    Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

    The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

    A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

    “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

    Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”

  • While He Drove People Prayed

    A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

    Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.

    Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

    The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

    St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

    The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

    He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.”

    St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

    “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!”

    “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”