I used to date a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.
It was easy.
Jill painted her nails purple and Bob has a pecker.
Sensitivity: Clean
Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
Two Cups of Coffee and an Ice Cream
Mick is out around town doing a bit of shopping, in one particular store he spots something shiny behind the counter and says to the assistant, “What’s that thing there?”
“It’s a thermos flask,” says the assistant.
“What does it do?” Mick asks.
“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, sir,” she replies.
Mick buys the thermos flask and takes it to work the next day. At lunch time he sits down and takes it out of his rucksack.
“What’s that thing?” Paddy asks.
“It’s a thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” Mick says.
“Is that so? What’ve you got in it?” asks Paddy.
Mick says, “Two cups of coffee and an ice cream.”
-
Virgil Won
Two old brothers — Hank and Earl — had a lifelong rivalry going with their neighbour Virgil, all three of them living in the same remote corner of northern Montana, where winters were the kind of cold that made your eyebrows hurt.
One February evening, the three of them were nursing drinks at the only bar in town, and the argument that started every year around this time broke out again.
“Boys,” said Hank, “I’m telling you right now — my place is the coldest in the county.”
“Ha,” said Earl. “You’ve never even spent a night in my cabin.”
Virgil just smiled into his glass and said nothing, which irritated the other two more than any boast could.
They agreed to end the argument once and for all. First stop was Hank’s place.
He led them to the porch, filled a tin cup with water from the tap, and flung it into the air. It hit the ground as a solid disc of ice.
“Not bad,” said Virgil. “Not bad at all.”
Earl just raised an eyebrow.
Over at Earl’s cabin, he stood in the doorway, drew a long slow breath, and let it out. The exhale left his mouth as a mist — and then clattered to the floor in a tiny frozen clump.
“Alright,” Hank admitted. “That’s cold.”
But Virgil still hadn’t said a word.
When they reached Virgil’s cabin, he didn’t take them to the porch or the doorway. He took them straight to the bedroom.
He pulled back the blankets on the bed and carefully lifted something out — a small, perfectly round ball of ice. He carried it to the kitchen, set it on a spoon, and held a lit match beneath it.
The three of them stood in silence, watching it slowly thaw.
And then, the moment it softened just enough —
“FFFAAAARRRRTTT!”
Virgil won.
-
Where Are You Going to Get a Lawyer
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?!”
-
For the Third Time I Want Chicken
An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing.
It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond.
So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.
The doctor said to her, “When you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.”
She thought this was a great idea.
When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”
There was no response.
She moved 10 feet closer.
Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”
No response.
She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.
She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?”
Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”
-
I Remembered Where I Left My Bike
A young assistant pastor went to the head preacher and said, “Pastor, I’ve got a bit of a situation. My bike’s been stolen.”
“I just moved to this small town and don’t want to start off by calling the police. If I knew who took it, I’d quietly ask for it back, but half the folks in church love a good prank and I don’t want to accuse the wrong one.”
The preacher smiled and said, “This Sunday, preach on the Ten Commandments.”
“When you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ scan the pews and watch for a guilty face. After the service, have a friendly chat with whoever looks nervous.”
That afternoon, the preacher saw the young pastor riding his bike down Main Street. He waved him over and said, “Well, I see you got it back!”
“Did my advice do the trick? Was it hard convincing the guilty party?”
The young pastor shook his head and laughed. “No sir, didn’t need to.”
“I was halfway through the Ten Commandments, but when I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I suddenly remembered where I left my bike!”
