Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Sisters and the Town Name

    Two retired sisters from Ohio were on a road trip, taking their time and enjoying the scenery across the South. They had snacks in the car, country music on the radio, and plenty to chat about.

    As they drove through Texas, they kept seeing signs for a town called Nacogdoches. Before long, they started arguing about how on earth you’re supposed to pronounce it.

    One sister insisted the “g” was silent and the ending sounded like “cheese.” The other said it must be a soft “j” sound, with the ending pronounced “shay.”

    Every time another road sign appeared, the debate started all over again. Neither one was willing to back down, and it got more serious with every mile.

    Finally, they reached the town itself, and one sister said, “That’s it, we’re settling this. Let’s stop somewhere and ask a local how to say it properly.”

    They pulled into a small fast-food place and walked up to the counter to order lunch. After paying, one sister smiled and said, “Excuse me, could you help us with something?”

    “We’ve been arguing about how to pronounce the name of this place for over an hour. Would you mind saying it out loud for us… nice and slow?”

    The young man behind the counter looked at them, paused for a moment, then nodded. Very slowly and clearly, he said, “Burrr… ger… King.”

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  • The Toothbrush in the Toilet

    My 4-year-old grandson came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

    So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

    He stood there thinking for a moment… then ran to my bathroom and came back with my toothbrush.

    He held it up with a charming little smile and said, “We better throw this one out too… ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”

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  • Only Have a Croc Pot

    I was going to cook alligator for dinner…

    But then I realized I only have a croc pot.

  • Billy Ray and Bubba at the Bar

    Billy Ray and Bubba walked into a bar and ordered a couple of drinks. Then they took sandwiches from paper bags they had brought from home and began to eat.

    Seeing this, the angry bar owner approached them and says, “Excuse me, you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!”

    Billy Ray and Bubba looked at each other, shrugged, and exchanged sandwiches.

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  • The Priest and the Lion in Africa

    A priest is sent to deepest Africa to convert the natives.

    He clears out an area for his camp and builds a hut of sticks for shelter. His only entertainment is the Bible and his violin. Before he retires for the night he builds a fire and sits down near it and plays his violin.

    Shortly afterwards he notices that a few animals begin to surround his camp and seem to enjoy the music. As time goes by he builds a large audience of critters every evening.

    One night an old lion walks into the clearing and looks around slowly. When he notices the priest he leaps on him and quickly devours the poor clergyman.

    A hyena rushes up to the lion and asks him, “Why did you do that, all of us loved his music, we listened every night and it relaxed us so much. Now he is gone. Why? Why?”

    The lion cocked his head toward the hyena, put his paw behind his ear and hollered, “WHAT?”

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  • Petey Penguin and the Blown Seal

    Petey Penguin goes on holiday to the land down under and takes a road trip across the Nullarbor Plain, a notoriously isolated road running for thousands of miles through hot, hot desert without a tree in sight.

    After days of driving through endless harsh desert, the engine in his clapped-out combi starts to splutter and die. Through the rippling heat haze ahead of him, Petey thinks he can just make out a servo (petrol station) in the far distance.

    With the air-con in his combi spurting out hot air and the engine spewing out smoke, he manages to limp the van into the shade of the servo.

    Petey’s luck is in! Not only does the servo have a mechanic and workshop, but also a nice air-conditioned shop, complete with a full gelato (ice-cream) bar!

    Petey explains his predicament to the friendly mechanic and then beats a retreat to the shop to cool down. Penguins aren’t great in the heat! He buys a whole tub of vanilla ice-cream and goes to town, like a dog at a tucker box, flippers to beak, no time for spoons, ice-cream flying everywhere!

    After he’s recovered his cool, Petey waddles out to talk to the mechanic, who’s busy working on the car.

    “Any idea what’s wrong with it?” Petey warbles nervously.

    “Yeah-nah. Looks like you’ve blown a seal!” drawls the mechanic.

    “No! It’s just ice-cream, honest!”

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  • The Five Penguins in the Back Seat

    Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat.

    Attendant says, “WTF — you have 5 penguins in your back seat.”

    “I KNOW!” the guy says. “They jumped in at the light, and now I don’t know what to do.”

    Attendant thinks for a second and says, “I’ll tell you what I’d do — I’d take them to the zoo.”

    “That’s a great idea!” says the driver.

    A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they’re wearing sunglasses.

    “What are you doing — I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” exclaims the attendant.

    “We did go! We had a great time! Today we’re going to the beach!”

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  • The Detective Training Test

    A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives…

    To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

    The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

    The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

    The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

    “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

    “Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

    “That’s easy,” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

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