Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Dog-Friendly Hotel

    A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

    An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here too.”

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  • The Cabbie and the Preacher at the Pearly Gates

    A cab driver dies and reaches the Pearly Gates.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

    Next in line is a preacher.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow, and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

    The preacher is shocked.

    “But I am a man of the cloth! You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”

    St. Peter responds matter-of-factly:

    “This is Heaven, and up here we’re interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”

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  • He Was 0K

    A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, and everyone said he was crazy.

    It turns out that he was 0K.

  • Too Many Probing Questions

    Why do aliens make such bad therapists?

    They ask too many probing questions.

  • The Three Sons-in-Law and the River

    A mother-in-law wanted to test which of her three sons-in-law was the nicest.

    She pretended to fall into a river while walking with the first son-in-law.

    He quickly jumped in and saved her.

    The next morning, he found a Chevrolet Malibu with a note: “From your mother-in-law.”

    The second son-in-law did the same thing and received a Ford Fusion the next day.

    Then came the third son-in-law’s turn.

    When the mother-in-law jumped into the river again, he just watched… and walked away.

    The next morning, he found a brand-new Cadillac Escalade with a note: “From your father-in-law!”

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  • The Fifteen-Dollar Porsche

    A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream at him…

    “Where did you get that car?”

    He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

    “With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

    “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

    The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

    “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

    “Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother. “She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

    So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

    “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!

    Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”

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  • The Smuggler at the Border

    At the border, a man rides up on a bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.

    The customs officer stops him and asks, “Do you have anything to declare?”

    “Nothing,” the man replies.

    “And what’s in the sack?”

    “Sand.”

    The officer inspects the sack. Sure enough, nothing but sand.

    The next day, the man returns on the bicycle with another sack of sand.

    Again, the officer checks it. Nothing but sand.

    This goes on every day for a week.

    By the eighth day, the officer has become increasingly suspicious. He sifts the sand. Nothing.

    The man continues crossing the border every day. After two more weeks, the officer finally sends the sand off to a laboratory for analysis.

    The results come back: nothing but sand.

    Another month passes. By now, the customs officer is losing his mind.

    Finally, he pulls the man aside and says, “Listen… off the record, between you and me, I promise I won’t tell a soul. But you have to tell me what you’re smuggling.”

    The man looks around carefully, leans in, and whispers:

    “Bicycles.”

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  • The German at McDonald’s

    A German man walks into a McDonald’s in the United States…

    After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonald’s in Germany.

    An American customer overhears the man’s order, and he approaches the German man and says, “How could you be so stupid? You cannot order beer here.” while laughing at the German man right to his face.

    The German man thinks for a second and then he starts laughing uncontrollably. Not just any laugh. This is a laugh so intense that he is struggling not to fall over.

    The American customer is no longer laughing. He now has a puzzled look on his face. He asks the German man, “What’s so funny?”

    The German man says, “I just realised that you came here for the food.”

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  • The Son and the Lawn Mower

    My son came up to me this morning and asked, “Dad, can I borrow your new lawn mower to make some extra money?”

    And honestly?

    I got emotional for a second.

    I thought, “Look at this kid… hardworking… entrepreneurial… not afraid to hustle.”

    So I proudly handed him the keys.

    The next day I asked, “So, how much did you make?”

    He grinned and said, “$300.”

    I nearly teared up. “That’s my boy.”

    Then I paused.

    “Wait… where’s the mower?”

    He shrugged and said, “I sold it.”

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  • Had to Pop the Trunk

    I won a balloon elephant at the fair and it wouldn’t fit in the back seat of the car. So I had to pop the trunk.