I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $15.00. So I gave my suit to the charity shop next door.
They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window.
I bought it for $4.50!
Sensitivity: Clean
Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
Man Wanted for Robbery
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
-
There So Stupid
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re.
There so stupid.
-
Got Any Grapes
One day, a duck walks into a bar. He waddles up to the counter, hops onto a stool, and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender is surprised and says, “No, buddy. This is a bar. We only serve beer, whiskey, and peanuts here. No grapes.” The duck says, “Okay,” hops down, and leaves.
The next day at the same time, the duck comes back into the bar. He hops onto the stool and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender gets a bit annoyed this time. “Look, little guy, I told you yesterday. We don’t have grapes! If you come back here asking for grapes again, I won’t let you in.” The duck says, “Okay,” and leaves.
The third day, the duck appears at the door again. He approaches the counter, looks the bartender in the eye, and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender completely loses his temper. He slams his fist on the counter and yells, “That’s it! If you ask me for grapes one more time, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to this counter!”
The duck stares at the bartender for a few seconds, then quietly turns around and leaves.
The fourth day… the duck walks in once again. He calmly gets up on the stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, “Got any nails?”
The bartender takes a deep breath, confused, and says, “No, I don’t have any nails…”
The duck smiles and says, “Great! Got any grapes?”
-
You’re in the Team for This Saturday
Two 70-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives…
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day, Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his deathbed. “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.” Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him.
“Mike… Mike!”
“Who is it?”
“It’s me, Joe.”
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says, “is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!”
“That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday.”
-
Practicing Law Somewhere
A tough lawyer is cross-examining a medical expert in court: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
“No.”
“Did you check for blood pressure?”
“No.”
“Did you check for breathing?”
“No.”
“So, then it is possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?”
“No.”
“How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
“Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.”
“I see… But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?”
“Yes, I suppose it’s possible that he was alive and practicing law somewhere.”
-
Who’s Going to Believe Him
A priest wakes up one Sunday morning to absolutely perfect golfing weather. After weeks of rain and wind, the sky is clear, the sun is shining, and there’s just the slightest breeze.
But of course… it’s Sunday. He’s supposed to lead the service.
On impulse, he decides to play hooky. He calls the other priest in the parish and says, “I’m not feeling well. Can you take the service today?”
As soon as he hears the church bells ring, he sneaks out to the golf course. Nobody will see him — everyone is in church.
Up in heaven, God and St. Peter are watching. St. Peter is outraged.
“Lord, what are you going to do about this? He skipped church… to golf!”
God just smiles.
The priest steps up to the first tee, swings, and — hole in one. He’s stunned. At the second hole, he swings again — another hole in one. The ball barely touches the grass.
St. Peter throws up his hands. “I saw that! The breeze changed right at the last second. That was YOU!”
God still says nothing.
At the next hole, the priest hits a terrible shot. The ball flies into the trees, hits a branch, rebounds, lands on the green, rolls in a perfect curve to the cup… circles it… rolls away… then slowly rolls BACK… and drops right in.
St. Peter is beside himself. “Lord! He’s having the best golf game of his entire life! This is punishment?”
God finally answers, “Tell me, Peter… who’s he going to tell? And if he does — who’s going to believe him?”
-
Do You Still Need a Push
A young man knocks on a couple’s door late one evening. It’s cold, wet, and well past midnight.
The husband answers the door, clearly annoyed at being disturbed so late.
The young man asks, “Could you give me a push?”
The husband replies, “It’s 3 a.m., it’s freezing outside, and you look perfectly healthy. Push yourself.”
Then he slams the door in the young man’s face.
A few minutes later, the husband gets into bed.
“Who was that?” his wife asks.
“Oh, some young guy who said he needed a push. He’s young and strong. He can do it himself.”
His wife frowns. “Remember when our car broke down a few months ago? We would’ve been grateful for any help we could get. Go do a good deed and help the poor fellow.”
Feeling guilty, the husband gets out of bed, throws on his dressing gown, and heads outside.
He looks up and down the street but can’t see a broken-down car or anyone in sight.
Finally, he calls out, “Hello? Do you still need a push? I’m happy to help! Where are you?”
From the playground across the street, a voice calls back, “I’m over here on the swing!”
-
A Ham-Brrr-Grrr
What do you call a pig that is cold and growling?
A Ham-Brrr-Grrr.
-
But When I Do, There It Is
I don’t always whoomp.
But when I do, there it is.
