Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • At a Pawn Shop

    Where is the best place to sell a used chess set?

    At a pawn shop.

  • You Carry the One

    How do you get 100 math teachers into a room in which only 99 fit?

    You carry the one.

  • The Lawyer’s Billable Hours

    A lawyer goes to heaven.

    St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks, “Are you sure it is my time? I’m not that old?”

    St. Peter says, “What do you mean? You’re 86 years old.”

    The lawyer says, “No I’m not… I’m only 58. Why do you think I’m that old!”

    St. Peter says, “Well, we just added up all of the hours you’ve billed to your clients.”

  • Ed and Nancy and the Golf Confession

    Ed and Nancy met on a singles cruise, and from the moment Ed saw her, he was absolutely captivated. They spent the days dancing under the stars, sharing long conversations by the deck rail, and laughing over fancy cocktails.

    When they returned home and realized they lived just a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. Without hesitation, he began asking her out.

    In the weeks that followed, Ed took Nancy to dance clubs, candlelit dinners, concerts, movies, and museums. Every date was better than the last, and with each passing moment, Ed grew more certain—Nancy was the one.

    To celebrate the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed planned something special: a romantic evening at an elegant restaurant.

    As they sipped their cocktails, waiting for their salads, Ed took a deep breath, straightened his tie, and cleared his throat.

    “Nancy,” he began, his eyes warm with sincerity, “I think you can tell—I’m completely in love with you. But before we take the next step, I need to be upfront about something.”

    Nancy leaned in, intrigued.

    Ed continued, “Before I reach into my jacket for a certain little box and ask you a life-changing question, there’s something you should know. I’m a golf fanatic. I play, I read about it, I watch it on TV—I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s a deal-breaker, now’s the time to tell me.”

    Nancy took a slow sip of her drink, set it down, and smiled. “Ed, that won’t be a problem at all. I love you just the way you are, and I love golf too!”

    She paused, then added, “But since we’re being completely honest… I should tell you that for the last five years, I’ve been a hooker.”

    Ed blinked. His mind raced. Then, after a brief pause, he leaned in with a knowing grin and said,

    “Well, that’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you swing.”

  • The Grocery Store Con

    I went to the grocery store for some bread, milk, bacon, eggs, and I ended up getting a couple things that were on sale because apparently I now get excited about discounts.

    The store was packed and the self checkout lane was down to one machine. Luckily there was a spot behind this little old Asian lady with a cart piled dangerously high with groceries. We started making small talk while we waited.

    Out of nowhere she smiled at me and said, “You look just like my son.”

    I laughed because… I’m very obviously not Asian.

    She laughed too and said, “Still, it would make me very happy if you said ‘Bye Mom’ to me when I leave.”

    Honestly, she reminded me of somebody’s sweet grandma, so I figured why not. It costs me nothing to be nice.

    A few minutes later she finished paying, waved at me, and started heading toward the door.

    So I smiled and called out, “Bye Mom!”

    She turned around grinning and yelled back, “Bye son!”

    A couple people in the line beside us smiled. One cashier even said, “Aww.”

    Then it was my turn.

    The cashier started scanning my stuff. Bread. Milk. Bacon. Eggs. A frozen pizza I absolutely did not need. Total seemed to be climbing pretty fast, but groceries are expensive now so I didn’t think much of it.

    Finally the cashier looked at me and said, “Okay, your total is $487.63.”

    I nearly had a heart attack.

    I said, “WHAT? For this?”

    The cashier looked confused and said, “Well… your mother said you’d be paying for her groceries too.”

  • Left Another Accordion

    I left my car unattended with my accordion on view in the front passenger seat. When I got back, someone had broken into my car

    and left another accordion.

  • Four Beer CEOs Walk Into a Bar

    Four beer company CEOs walked into a bar…

    The CEO of Budweiser ordered a Bud Light.

    The CEO of Miller ordered a Miller Light.

    The CEO of Coors ordered a Coors Light.

    The CEO of Guinness ordered a Coke.

    The first three asked the CEO of Guinness why he didn’t order a Guinness, to which he replied:

    “I figured if you three weren’t ordering beer it would be rude for me to.”

  • The Juggler’s DUI Test

    A juggler is driving to his next performance when he gets pulled over by the police.

    The officer spots some matches and lighter fluid in the car and asks, “What’s all this for?”

    “I’m a juggler,” the man says. “I juggle flaming torches in my act.”

    The cop looks skeptical. “Oh yeah? Let’s see it.”

    So the juggler gets out of the car and starts expertly juggling flaming torches on the side of the road.

    The cop stands by, watching intently.

    Meanwhile, a passing couple slows down to watch.

    “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m so glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”