The problem with my wife and I sharing a wireless Internet connection is that I’ll often get notices from our service provider telling me that someone else is logging on to our account… FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!
Sensitivity: Clean
Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I went running today during my lunch break.
I went running today during my lunch break. It’s good for the heart and helps keep my weight under control, unlike those tubby bank security guards who couldn’t keep up with me.
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When I play with kids, instead of saying, “Got your nose!”
When I play with kids, instead of saying, “Got your nose!” I say, “Got your appendix!” That way, they can’t prove you wrong with a mirror — and if you accidentally really took it, they’d probably be okay.
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I think I learned a couple of valuable life lessons that night.
I think I learned a couple of valuable life lessons that night. One: The old adage about setting your sights on something and just grabbing for it doesn’t necessarily apply in strip clubs. Two: Metal toilets are cold.
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If aliens landed in my yard today and said, “Take me to your leader,” I’d probably refuse.
If aliens landed in my yard today and said, “Take me to your leader,” I’d probably refuse. Not to protect the president, mind you, but because I’d be too embarrassed to admit to an advanced civilization that we elected this guy.
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I’ve never left my heart in San Francisco.
I’ve never left my heart in San Francisco. However, I did once leave some toenail clippings outside the Topeka Greyhound station.
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It’s amazing Larry, Moe and Curly remained friends all those years.
It’s amazing Larry, Moe and Curly remained friends all those years. If one on my friends kept hitting me with a hammer on purpose, I’d likely stop hanging out with him.
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If I had a time machine, I would use it for the benefit of others more needy than myself
If I had a time machine, I would use it for the benefit of others more needy than myself — like standing outside a movie theater until I heard someone say, “*There’s* two hours of my life I’ll never get back!” and I’d interject, “Well, have I got a deal for you!”
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The pay isn’t very good, but I sure have a lot of free time in my job as publicity
The pay isn’t very good, but I sure have a lot of free time in my job as publicity director for Fight Club.
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Self-defense tip: If you’re ever about to be mugged by a couple of clowns, don’t
Self-defense tip: If you’re ever about to be mugged by a couple of clowns, don’t hesitate — go for the juggler.
