Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The New Labourer on the Worksite

    The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him, “What’s your name?”

    “John,” the new bloke replied.

    The foreman scowled. “Look, I don’t know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It’s weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only — Smith, Jones, Baker, that’s all. If I want a job done, I yell, ‘Baker, get this’ or ‘Jones, do that.’ Now that we have that straight, what’s your last name?”

    The new bloke sighed. “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

    The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly… “Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is…!”

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  • The Christmas and Easter Churchgoer

    A Pastor was standing at the church door greeting people after service.

    One man walked by and the Pastor grabbed his hand and said, “Brother, you need to join the Army of the Lord!”

    The man looked confused and said, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

    The pastor whispered, “Then how come I only see you at Christmas and Easter?”

    The man leaned in and whispered back, “Because I’m in the secret service.”

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  • The Speeding Ticket and the Chief’s Daughter

    A small-town cop pulls over a guy speeding down Main Street.

    “Sir, I can expla—”
    “Save it!” barks the officer. “You’re going to jail. You can explain it to the chief when he gets back!”

    “But really, I just want to sa—”
    “I said ZIP IT! You can cool off in a cell until then.”

    Hours pass. The cop swings by the holding cell and smirks, “You’re lucky the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.”

    The guy grimaces…
    “Yeah… don’t count on it. I’m the groom.”

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  • My Bucket List 12345

    My Bucket List 12345

  • He Takes Things Personally

    Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?

    He takes things personally!

  • The Tech-Themed Restaurant

    I was at this new tech-themed restaurant the other day.

    When I walked in, the whole place was decorated like the inside of a computer. Tables looked like motherboards, placemats like keyboards, and the glasses were giant USB sticks.

    The host greeted me — dressed in full “nerd” attire, glasses, pocket protector, the works — but something felt off. He just seemed really, really sad. I brushed it off and got seated.

    The waitress who brought the menu barely said a word. Honestly, she seemed even more depressed than the host.

    After perusing the “main menu,” I decided to have the fish and microchips.

    The waiter taking my order was barely listening, then suddenly started crying as he wrote it down and walked off in tears. I’m thinking… what is going on here?

    Anyway, 25 minutes goes by… then 45… then an hour. No food. No staff.

    So I finally stopped the manager.

    “Hey man, what’s going on? I’ve been waiting an hour. Where’s my food, and why is everyone so upset?”

    He looks at me and says, “Sorry, sir… all of our servers are down.”

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  • Polish Sausage at Home Depot

    A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?”

    The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”

    The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

    Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

    Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

    Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”

    The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

    The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”

    The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

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  • 4 Pumps 1 Load Marvelously Concentrated

    4 Pumps 1 Load Marvelously Concentrated

  • The Talking Cow and the Carburetor

    There was a salesman whose car broke down on a country road. He opened the hood and was looking at the engine trying to figure what was wrong.

    All of a sudden he hears a voice say, “It’s the carburetor.”

    He looks around and there is only a cow in the area. Looking back at the engine he hears the voice say again, “It’s the carburetor.”

    He realizes it’s the cow! He asks the cow to speak again and the cow obliges, “I’ve told you twice it’s the carburetor.”

    The salesman runs down the road, finds a farmer and says excitedly, “That cow in the field over there can talk! It was telling me what’s wrong with my car!”

    The farmer looks at the salesman and says, “Don’t pay any attention to that cow, it doesn’t know anything about cars.”

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  • The Talking Dog on the Porch

    A traveling salesman breaks down on a country road.

    He goes to the only farmhouse he can see. As he’s approaching the porch, a dog sits up and says, “Good afternoon, how are you?”

    “Oh my, you can talk!”

    “Yeah, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. The government found out about me and trained me to spy for them. Who would think the dog in the room was listening and reporting back what was said? I traveled the world several times over, sometimes helping to stop a war, and sometimes to start one. It was all very exciting but I finally decided to settle down here at this farmhouse and spend my remaining days on this peaceful porch.”

    “Wow, that’s amazing!”

    The salesman knocks on the door and asks the farmer if he’s interested in selling the dog.

    “Sure, I’ll take 10 bucks for him.”

    “Why so little, you do know he can talk?”

    “Yeah, I know, but he’s a liar. He’s never been off this porch!”

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