Sensitivity: Dark

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Three FBI Agents

    There were three recruits that were on their way up the ranks after joining the FBI for top-ranking officers. There was one final test for them to do before they were chosen to officially join the top ranks, and if they failed, they would not be chosen for the prestigious position.

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    So there were three doors, and the commander explains what each of them needs to do. He says, “Behind the door with your name on it is each one of your wives, and for the final test you must go in that room — there will be a gun sitting on the table — and you need to kill your wife.”

    There is an awkward silence for a few minutes before the first guy goes in the room with his name on it. A few minutes later, he comes bursting out of there crying, “I can’t do it! I just can’t do it!” He hands the gun to the commander and walks away.

    The second guy goes into the room with his name on it, and he’s in there for a little bit longer. He calmly comes out of the room, hands the commander his gun, and says, “Nope, can’t do it.”

    So the third guy goes in the room with his name on it, and he’s in there for quite a while. And then all of a sudden everyone outside the door hears “BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!” then “click, click, click, click,” and then they hear what sounds like a struggle. A few minutes later, the third guy comes out and says, “God damn it, somebody put blanks in this gun, so I had to take off my jacket and strangle the bitch.”

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  • You’re Next

    Old people at weddings always poke me and say, “You’re next.”

    So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  • How to Save Money

    How to Save Money

    Learn why people trust wikiHow

    FRUGALITY » SAVING MONEY

    How to Save Money

    ABORTION CLINIC

    aborteddreams

  • Much Better Insurance

    A rich donor is given a tour of the new hospital wing named after her.

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    The tour guide shows her all the wonderful people she’s helped, the staff they hired, and the medical equipment her philanthropy helped fund. As they tour one of the bottom floors, they come to a room where a man is furiously masturbating. The rich donor is appalled and wants to cut the tour short.

    The tour guide says, “Ma’am, you don’t understand. This man has a very rare condition. If he doesn’t ejaculate every hour or so, poisons will accumulate in his blood and he’ll die soon after.”

    Relieved by the explanation, the rich donor decides to continue the tour. She’s shown the cancer ward, obstetrics, the highly advanced surgical ward, and finally the top floor that houses the sickest patients. As the tourists pass a room, the donor notices a patient receiving a blowjob from a nurse. Again, she is appalled and wants to end the tour.

    The tour guide says, “Remember down on the first floor with the guy masturbating?”

    She replies, “How could I forget?”

    The tour guide says, “Well, this man has the same condition, only much better insurance.”

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  • Best Basis For Government

    Best Basis For Government

    You may not like it but this is the best basis for forming a system of government

  • DNA Results Not Your Brother

    DNA Results Not Your Brother

    “The DNA results confirm that not everyone is your brother”

  • Open Mike Night

    I’m hosting an autopsy club meeting tonight!

    It’s “Open Mike Night”!

  • Superman, You’re a Real Asshole When You’ve Been Drinking

    On the 110th floor of the Empire State Building, there’s a bar. It has windows all around the floor so you can see everywhere. A guy walks into the bar one day and notices another guy sitting down at the end of the bar. The barkeeper hands the guy a big bubbling, gurgling, fizzy green drink. The guy drinks it down in a single gulp, looks over at everyone and says, “You know, the wind currents are so strong up here you can just hop out and fly around.”

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    Another guy at the bar looks at him and says, “No way, you’re so full of shit!”

    So the man walks over to the window, opens it, then hops out. He flies around the entire building a couple times, then comes back in, closes the window, and sits back down at the bar.

    The other guy says, “Damn, that must be a helluva drink.” So he orders one. The barkeeper hands him the same drink the other guy had, and he downs it in a single gulp. Then he walks over to the window, opens it, looks back at the other guy that did it and says, “Yeah man, I don’t know about this.”

    The guy that did it already looks him in the eyes and tells him, “Don’t be a pussy!”

    So he steps outside and falls 110 stories to his death. The barkeeper turns to the guy and says, “Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’ve been drinking.”

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  • Granny Watching You Squirt

    Granny Watching You Squirt

    Your granny watching you squirt all over the blanket she knitted