Sensitivity: Dark

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Top 16 Ways Chris Celebrated His Birthday Yesterday

    16. Filled out the necessary paperwork to have the paraffin spill from his birthday cake declared a federal Superfund cleanup site.

    15. Tried to spring Mary-Kate out of rehab for a night of partying.

    14. Blew birthday money on hookers. More precisely, H-O scale hooker figurines to install under the street lamps in his model railroad set.

    13. Bravely liberated another gallon of Old Grand-Dad from the Strategic Booze Reserve.

    12. No one knows for sure, but police say it involved a garden gnome, two quarts of industrial adhesive, a stun gun, and a Barry White CD.

    11. Swam like a porpoise in his swimming pool filled with dot-com cash, bay-bee!

    10. Same as every year: got hammered on cheap tequila at a bar and slapped silly by women less than amused by his drunken advances, laughed like a hyena while egging Letterman’s house, then returned home to torch up a doobie the size of a python.

    9. Cocktails with Pat and Vanna while listening to them trash Trebek.

    8. Tried to speed-eat his weight in free birthday Moons Over My Hammy breakfasts at every Denny’s in the Tri-State area.

    7. Put the finishing touches on a surprise macramé prison jumpsuit for Martha Stewart.

    6. Took a well-deserved day off from the soul-crushing grind of reading jokes all day for a living.

    5. Had too much to drink and got a bit rowdy at Chuck E. Cheese’s, then got his ass kicked by a 16-year-old in a rat costume. Again.

    4. Glued to CNN Headline News, fantasizing about Jenna Bush’s tongue.

    3. “With all due respect, Mr. Vice President, I’m not even sure that’s physically possible — but I’ll give it my best shot, sir.”

    2. Got his free annual mullet-trimming during NASCAR commercial breaks.

    1. Negotiated for a 30-minute conjugal visit, then spent the extra 27 minutes watching The Golden Girls.

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  • I doubt they’d do it more than once

    If the company that makes Q-Tips was really serious about wanting us only using them on the outsides of our ears, they’d make the little stick come to a needle-sharp point. People would still poke them into the canal, but I kind of doubt they’d do it more than once.

  • Probably something involving bees

    If hell is having to watch your worst decisions over and over forever, I really hope they give you a better judgment system than you had when you made those decisions. If they don’t, they’ll have to sit and explain to you why you were wrong. And chances are they still won’t get through to you. Then they’ll have to think up some new punishment. Probably something involving bees.

  • Came out of the closet

    While the police are wrongly referring to it as an aborted attempt to rob a convenience store, I couldn’t be prouder that I finally came out of the closet with my pantyhose fetish.

  • One Change in Hell (German Engineering Edition)

    An American, a Brit, and a German get sent to hell. Satan says, “You’re all here forever—but every 10 years, each of you gets one adjustment.”

    The American gets dragged over razor-sharp, red-hot coals every day.
    The Brit gets skinned by demons with pitchforks.
    The German gets strapped into a machine that smashes him in the balls with a spiked hammer every 10 minutes.

    Ten years pass.

    Satan asks the American, “Your one change?”
    “Can I get smoother rocks?”

    Granted.

    He asks the Brit, “Your one change?”
    “Can the demons use plastic spoons instead?”

    Granted.

    He asks the German, “Your one change?”
    “Yes. The mechanism is malfunctioning. It now strikes every 11 minutes. Kindly repair it.”

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  • High-Stakes Humor: Plane Drop Laughs!

    Trump and Elon Musk are on a plane.

    Trump says to Elon Musk, “I could drop $1 to the ground, and it would make one person happy—tremendous happiness, happiest ever!”

    Elon replies, “I could drop 100 one-dollar bills to the ground and make 100 people happy!”

    The pilot walks out of the cockpit and says, “I could drop this plane to the ground and make 8.2 billion people happy!”

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  • Furry Trouble in the Forest!

    A bear and a bunny rabbit were pooping next to each other in the woods. The bear asked the bunny if it had problems with poop sticking to its fur.

    The bunny replied with a soft, “No, Mr. Bear, I don’t have a problem with poop sticking to my fur.”

    So, the bear wiped its butt with the bunny rabbit.

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  • We don’t want any kids

    My wife and I have decided we don’t want any kids.

    We’re going to tell them in the morning.

  • Subway Revelation: A Lengthy Mistake!

    Two things happened today.

    First, I learned that my penis is not as long as a 6-inch sub from Subway.

    Second, I was banned from my local Subway shortly after this revelation.

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  • Cut Off But Still Calling!

    Jesus is hanging on the cross and calls out to one of his apostles…

    “Peter, Peter!” Jesus cries.

    Peter, down at the bottom of Calvary Hill, hears his Lord’s call and runs as fast as he can toward the sound of the voice. He ducks and weaves through the crowd until he’s spotted by a Roman soldier. The soldier cuts Peter’s left arm off and kicks him back down the hill.

    Jesus calls out again, his voice weakening: “Peter, Peter.”

    Though weak himself from his injury, Peter gets to his feet and begins up the hill again. Peter makes it past the first soldier and a bit farther up the hill when a second Roman soldier cuts off Peter’s other arm and kicks him back down the hill. Peter lies bleeding out when he hears the weakening voice of Jesus yet again.

    “Peter… Peter,” Jesus beckons.

    Peter musters his strength and stands. He begins his third attempt at climbing the hill. The first soldier is occupied and doesn’t notice Peter. The second soldier is busy beating another man. But when Peter is just about to reach the foot of the cross, a third soldier draws his sword, cuts off Peter’s left leg, and kicks him back down the hill. Peter, now nearly dead, hears Jesus call out one last time.

    Now just a whisper, Jesus calls, “Peter… Peter…”

    Peter, now looking more like a snake than a man, begins slithering his way back up the hill on his belly. The first, second, and third soldiers take no notice of Peter while he slowly makes his way through the blood and the mud. Peter can feel his strength waning as he finally reaches the top of the hill. Peter collapses at the foot of the cross and calls out to his Lord, “My Lord Jesus, why dost thou beckon me?”

    Jesus gazes down upon his faithful apostle and says, “Peter, Peter… I can see your house from up here.”

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