Sensitivity: Dark

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball

    What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Land Rover?

    Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball over 300 yards.

  • The Interpreter Had Other Plans

    A Chicago mob boss needed someone to collect protection money without talking to the police.

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    With cops watching closely, he had an idea.

    “Get me someone who can’t talk. That way, if he gets picked up, he can’t talk to the cops.”

    They bring in Pete — a big bloke who looks mean as hell. He doesn’t speak and communicates only in sign language.

    By the end of the week, Pete has collected $50,000.

    Then he disappears.

    The boss sends two goons. They track Pete down easily, but he just stares at them, expressionless.

    So they drag him to an interpreter.

    One of the goons says, “Ask him where the money is.”

    The interpreter signs it.

    Pete shrugs and signs back, “No idea what you’re talking about.”

    The interpreter says, “He says he doesn’t know anything.”

    The goon pulls out a gun and presses it to Pete’s head.

    “Ask him again.”

    The interpreter hesitates, then signs again.

    Pete immediately folds.

    “Alright! It’s in Central Park, under a tree stump near 78th Street!”

    The interpreter turns back to the goons and says, “He says he doesn’t know anything — and he thinks you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

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  • Another Actor Ruined by Drugs and Alcohol

    Another Actor Ruined by Drugs and Alcohol

    Another Actor Ruined by Drugs and Alcohol

  • Stop pretending that I cared

    My wife stopped pretending to have orgasms years ago. That’s all right with me, though, because it allowed me to stop pretending that I cared.

  • Going to the Dentist

    Just when I thought I’d get a break from my day job as a prostitute by going to the dentist, I realized I was actually paying *him* to shove his throbbing tool in my mouth.

  • The Top 16 Ways Chris Celebrated His Birthday Yesterday

    16. Filled out the necessary paperwork to have the paraffin spill from his birthday cake declared a federal Superfund cleanup site.

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    15. Tried to spring Mary-Kate out of rehab for a night of partying.

    14. Blew birthday money on hookers. More precisely, H-O scale hooker figurines to install under the street lamps in his model railroad set.

    13. Bravely liberated another gallon of Old Grand-Dad from the Strategic Booze Reserve.

    12. No one knows for sure, but police say it involved a garden gnome, two quarts of industrial adhesive, a stun gun, and a Barry White CD.

    11. Swam like a porpoise in his swimming pool filled with dot-com cash, bay-bee!

    10. Same as every year: got hammered on cheap tequila at a bar and slapped silly by women less than amused by his drunken advances, laughed like a hyena while egging Letterman’s house, then returned home to torch up a doobie the size of a python.

    9. Cocktails with Pat and Vanna while listening to them trash Trebek.

    8. Tried to speed-eat his weight in free birthday Moons Over My Hammy breakfasts at every Denny’s in the Tri-State area.

    7. Put the finishing touches on a surprise macramé prison jumpsuit for Martha Stewart.

    6. Took a well-deserved day off from the soul-crushing grind of reading jokes all day for a living.

    5. Had too much to drink and got a bit rowdy at Chuck E. Cheese’s, then got his ass kicked by a 16-year-old in a rat costume. Again.

    4. Glued to CNN Headline News, fantasizing about Jenna Bush’s tongue.

    3. “With all due respect, Mr. Vice President, I’m not even sure that’s physically possible — but I’ll give it my best shot, sir.”

    2. Got his free annual mullet-trimming during NASCAR commercial breaks.

    1. Negotiated for a 30-minute conjugal visit, then spent the extra 27 minutes watching The Golden Girls.

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  • I doubt they’d do it more than once

    If the company that makes Q-Tips was really serious about wanting us only using them on the outsides of our ears, they’d make the little stick come to a needle-sharp point. People would still poke them into the canal, but I kind of doubt they’d do it more than once.

  • Probably something involving bees

    If hell is having to watch your worst decisions over and over forever, I really hope they give you a better judgment system than you had when you made those decisions. If they don’t, they’ll have to sit and explain to you why you were wrong. And chances are they still won’t get through to you. Then they’ll have to think up some new punishment. Probably something involving bees.

  • Came out of the closet

    While the police are wrongly referring to it as an aborted attempt to rob a convenience store, I couldn’t be prouder that I finally came out of the closet with my pantyhose fetish.

  • One Change in Hell (German Engineering Edition)

    An American, a Brit, and a German get sent to hell. Satan says, “You’re all here forever—but every 10 years, each of you gets one adjustment.”

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    The American gets dragged over razor-sharp, red-hot coals every day.
    The Brit gets skinned by demons with pitchforks.
    The German gets strapped into a machine that smashes him in the balls with a spiked hammer every 10 minutes.

    Ten years pass.

    Satan asks the American, “Your one change?”
    “Can I get smoother rocks?”

    Granted.

    He asks the Brit, “Your one change?”
    “Can the demons use plastic spoons instead?”

    Granted.

    He asks the German, “Your one change?”
    “Yes. The mechanism is malfunctioning. It now strikes every 11 minutes. Kindly repair it.”

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