Dude, you better come see this. Your wife is on a dating site
That lying bitch!
She is not “fun to be around”
Sensitivity: PG-13
Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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2 Minutes of the Neatest Wienering She’s Ever Received
When you’re giving her 2 minutes of the neatest wienering she’s ever received
@pacificfintess
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The Top 15 Signs You’ve Chosen a Bad Culinary School
15. They promise that 100% of their graduates will be ‘sertified sheffs.’
14. ‘Today’s pastry is called Bronuts, and you will need some assistance from a male student.’
13. There’s a Department of Drive-Thru Studies.
12. Every session ends the same: ‘Defrost and microwave to taste.’
11. Week 1: Heimlich maneuver.
10. There’s an angry British man swearing a lot, but mostly about immigrants.
9. ‘Welcome to: Sculpting with Spam: The Forgotten Dessert Meat.’
8. All the donuts in the cafeteria have corners.
7. ‘Note how my blood matches the color of the tomato, so there’s no need to clean it up.’
6. The chef blindfolds you and tells you to kneel before tasting the sausage.
5. You could have sworn the teacher said this was his ‘private masterbasting class.’
4. Your instructor suggests the best way to improve the tastiness of food is to smoke a joint ahead of time.
3. Exotic Sauces 101 no longer draws much interest due to the whole ‘sautéing with snot’ thing.
2. ‘I’d like to introduce our special lecturer on knife skills, professional mohel Rabbi Cohen.’
And the number one sign you’ve chosen a bad culinary school…
1. The box their Kobe beef came in has an NBA logo.
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The Egg Timer
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn’t waste any time at all — I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She giggled, “The egg timer’s broken.”
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The Donkey Clock
An American man visiting Mexico finds his wristwatch has stopped working. He’s got a flight to catch in a few hours, so he tries to ask a local the time but doesn’t know the language. Finally he meets an old Mexican man sitting next to a donkey who speaks English. “Excuse me, Señor, but do you know the time?” the American asks.
The old man reaches up and grabs the donkey’s balls. He twists them to the left, then he moves them to the right, then he lifts them up. “Sí, Señor, it’s 2:20,” he replies.
The American stands there for a moment, flabbergasted. Then he replies, “Gracias, Señor,” and walks away pondering what he just witnessed.
A short time passes and the American wants to see the old man’s trick again, so he asks him the time. The old man again grabs the donkey’s balls — he twists them left, then moves them right, then lifts them up. “It’s 2:45,” the old man replies.
“How in the hell are you doing that? How do you tell the time with donkey balls?” says the American.
The old man replies, “You see, Señor, I twist them left, I turn them right, then I lift them so I can see that clock over there.”
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Jesus: How Do You Celebrate My Resurrection? So There’s This Huge Fuckin Bunny
Jesus: how do you guys celebrate my resurrection?
me: uhh..
Jesus: something cool right?
me:
Jesus:
me: so there’s this huge fuckin bunny
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What Makes You Think We’re Having Sex Tonight? I’m Stronger Than You.
What makes you think we’re having sex tonight?
I’m stronger than you.
