Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Three men find a harem

    Three guys were traveling through Saudi Arabia when they accidentally stumbled into a harem tent filled with over a hundred beautiful women.

    They started getting friendly with the women when suddenly the Sheik burst in and shouted, “I am the master of all these women! No one else may touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you’ve done. Your punishment will correspond to your profession.”

    He turned to the first man and asked, “What do you do for a living?”

    “I’m a cop,” the first man said.

    “Then we will shoot your penis off!” declared the Sheik.

    Next, he turned to the second man. “And you?”

    “I’m a fireman.”

    “Then we will burn your penis off!”

    Finally, the Sheik turned to the third man. “And what do you do for a living?”

    The third man grinned and said, “I’m a lollipop salesman.”

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  • Princess No More: An Alliance in Love

    My last girlfriend demanded to be treated as a princess.
    Boy was she mad when I married her off to secure an alliance with France.

  • My wife has been having an affair with the mailman.

    A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, “My wife just admitted to me that she’s been having an affair with Bob the mailman.”

    “What?” says his buddy. “That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?”

    “That’s right,” says the first guy.

    “Jesus,” says his buddy. “Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?”

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  • Trycocksagain: A New Hope for Lesbians

    The FDA just approved a medication for lesbians with depression.
    It’s called Trycocksagain.

  • Blind at the Beach: Finding Clarity

    How do you spot a blind person at a nude beach?
    It’s not hard.

  • Good Lawyers Know Law, Great Ones Know Judges

    What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
    A good lawyer knows the law.
    A great lawyer knows the judge.

  • How’d you get the black eye?

    Two men are sitting next to each other on a train, both sporting black eyes. Naturally curious, the first man looks at the other and says, “So, how’d you get the black eye?”
    The other man replies, “Well, it was a Freudian slip.”
    “What’s that?” the first asks.
    “It’s when you mean to say one thing, but you accidentally say another that reveals what you’re really thinking,” explains the second.
    The first man nods. “Oh. So what happened?”
    “Well,” says the second, “I was buying my ticket for the train, and the woman at the counter had the biggest boobs I’d ever seen. So when I meant to say ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said ‘two pickets to Tittsburgh’—hence the black eye.”
    The first guy laughs and says, “That’s funny, something similar happened to me. This morning, I was eating breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say ‘could you pass the jam,’ but I accidentally said, ‘you ruined my life, you stupid bitch!’”

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  • A guy finds an old lamp

    A guy is walking along a beach and finds an old lamp.

    He rubs it, and a genie pops out. The genie says, “I can grant you three wishes, but there’s a catch: your ex-wife gets double whatever you ask for.”

    The man thinks and says, “For my first wish, I’d like a billion dollars.”

    The genie snaps his fingers. “Done. You have a billion dollars, and your ex-wife has two billion.”

    The man says, “For my second wish, I’d like a fleet of the world’s finest sports cars.”

    The genie snaps his fingers. “Done. You have ten Ferraris, and your ex-wife has twenty.”

    The man pauses, looking very thoughtful. Finally, he says, “For my third wish… I’d like to donate one of my kidneys.”

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  • Gary got beat up

    John runs into his old friend Gary, who looks like he’s been beaten by a thousand fists.
    Now Gary is the nicest guy ever; it’s hard to imagine anyone getting mad at him, let alone beating him so savagely.
    I asked, “What happened?!?!”
    He explained, “Well, I was on the escalator, and the lady in front of me was wearing a pretty skirt, but it had bunched up between her cheeks, so I gently pulled it out. Then she turned around and slapped me.”
    “Wow! Maybe you should have just let it be, but it looks like you got more than just slapped.”
    “I know! I knew I messed up, and I felt bad, so when she turned around, I started poking it back in…”

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  • From Chicken to Commitment: A Love Story

    Five years ago I started a game of Gay Chicken with my friend.
    Now we own a dog together, we moved to Vermont to start a cute little bed and breakfast, and we’re thinking of adopting a kid. If he doesn’t give up soon, I think he might actually be gay.