Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Don’t go in that field…

    An undercover cop came to my farm out in the sticks yesterday evening.

    “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he said.

    “By all means, Officer—just don’t go in that field over there,” I replied.

    The cop exploded. “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!” he shouted, pulling a badge out of his back pocket. “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want, and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want. Have I made myself clear?!”

    I nodded politely, apologized, and went back to work.

    A short while later, I heard loud screaming. I looked up and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by my angry bull. With every step, the bull was gaining ground, and it looked like he was gonna get gored before he reached safety.

    The officer looked terrified and kept running for his life.

    I threw down my tools, ran to the edge of the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:

    “Your badge—show him your fucking badge!”

  • Too Many Samples: A Sperm Bank Tale

    I got fired because my boss said I was handing out too many free samples.

    That’s the last time I get a job at a sperm bank.

  • Old man at a wedding

    I was at a wedding when this really old guy staggers over to my table, points straight at me, and loudly announces, “I screwed your grandma!”

    I sighed and said, “Grandpa, you’ve had enough. Let’s get you home.”

  • HIV from a toilet

    Did you hear about the guy who somehow got HIV from a toilet?
    He sat down before the other guy got up.

  • Valentines Day

    Do men get anything out of valentines day? It depends on whether or not his wife will do the brussel sprout.

    What’s the brussel sprout?

    It’s when you put something in your mouth and pretend you like it

  • Why Women Adore Jesus: The Ultimate Gesture!

    Why do women love Jesus?

    Because he was (spreads arms) hung like this.

  • Billy Bob and Joe

    Two hicks, Billy Bob and Joe, were working on their farm when they were approached by a traveling beautiful busty blonde. She looked them up and down and said, “Howdy, boys. I’m feeling a bit randy, and you two look like you could satisfy my itch. Would you two fine, strapping young men like to help a girl out?” The men are definitely down, but she holds up a couple of foil wrappers. “But you will have to wear these condoms, because I don’t want to get pregnant.” They agree, and soon the three of them are having a fantastic and memorable ménage à trois.

    Several months go by. Then Billy Bob turns to Joe and says, “Hey Joe? You remember that blonde from a few months back?”

    “Yeah, what about her?”

    “Well, do you really care if she gets pregnant?”

    “No, not really. You?”

    “No. So why don’t we take these things off?”

  • A woman visits her doctor…

    Woman: Doctor, I simply don’t know what to do! Every date I go on, at the end, I find myself in bed. I am powerless to refuse any man, and afterwards, I keep feeling like a fool and a slut.

    Doctor: That’s no problem, young lady. Just let me prescribe you some pills, and you’ll have no trouble refusing.

    Woman: What? No, Doctor, I don’t need that. Could you prescribe me some pills so that I won’t feel like a fool and a slut?

  • A woman complains to a doctor…

    Woman: Doctor, whenever a man gives me a compliment, I want to fuck him at once, no matter who, no matter where. What do I have?

    Doctor: Beautiful eyes…

  • Knock, Knock: A Doctor’s Thoughtful Touch

    I like how my new doctor knocks before he enters the exam room when I’m in there.

    Because of his thoughtfulness, I may never get caught boosting drug samples and hypodermic needles again.