Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”
Teacher is teaching her class and notices that Johnny isn’t paying attention.
So she calls on him: “Johnny, if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?”
Johnny replies, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there would be two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Then Johnny turns the tables and asks the teacher: “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream—which one is married?”
The teacher, trying to be proper, says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny grins and says, “No, the one with the wedding ring… but I like how you’re thinking!”
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and explained: “I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.”
Later that evening, the man asks his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,
“Aahhhhh!”
“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks.
“No… I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!”
A hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law.
One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.
In a state of worry, she awakens her husband, and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing, and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
“Quick, darling,” the wife shouts frantically, “Do something!”
“Oh, no,” the husband says, “That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!”
An Irish daughter left home for 5 years and returns.
When she returns, her Father curses her badly.
“Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Dad… I became a prostitute.”
“Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”
“OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath) …and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera.”
“What was it ye said ye had become?”, says Dad.
Girl, crying again, “A prostitute, Daddy!”
“Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
My wife asked me to go see a psychologist about my anger issues.
The doctor asked, “If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?”
I replied, “I’d get in my helicopter and fly away!”
The doctor asked, “Where did you get a helicopter?”
I replied, “The same freaking place you got that train from, dipshit!”
