Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Once a Sailor Always a Sailor

    On the day of the wedding, the bride was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family…

    And then she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes and began to panic.

    Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to the bride for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over the bride’s feet were hurting real bad.

    When she and the groom withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

    The rest of the family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard the groom say, “God, that was tight.”

    “There,” whispered the mother of the bride. “I told you she was a virgin.”

    Then, to their surprise, they heard the groom say, “Right. Now for the other one.” Followed by more grunting and straining, at last the groom said, “My God. That was even tighter.”

    “That’s my boy,” said the father of the groom. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”

  • Stop Wearing My Clothes to School

    Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. “First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse,” she said softly.

    So Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

    “O.K., now take off my skirt,” and he takes off her skirt.

    “Now take off my bra,” which he does.

    “And now, Johnny, take off my knickers.” Johnny takes her knickers off. “Johnny, for the last time… STOP WEARING MY CLOTHES TO SCHOOL!”

  • Right Now I Just Want the Scotch

    An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double Scotch on the rocks.”

    “What do you want to do, get me in trouble?” the barmaid asked.

    “Maybe later,” the kid said. “Right now, I just want the Scotch.”

  • An Orgy

    Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.

    “If I gave you $200,” the teacher began, “and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?”

    “An orgy,” Johnny answered.

  • I Know the Whole Truth

    At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

    Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”

    His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

    Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

    The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

    Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

    The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

    The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

  • Priests Dont Look

    Priests Dont Look

    miguel ruiz @maneruiz

    You know you’re getting older when you walk past a couple of priests and they don’t even look at you…

    6:17 PM – 18 May 13

  • Witches Woods

    Witches Woods

    MehGyver @TheAndrewNadeau

    The older I get the more I side with the witches from fairy tales who moved out to the woods and killed someone who bothered them.

  • You Aint Said Nothing About Meing and Meing

    The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, “I want everyone who has been heing and sheing to stand up!” Half of his congregation stood up.

    He then shouted out, “I want everyone who has been heing and heing to stand up!” A couple of men stood up.

    He then shouted out, “I want everyone who has been sheing and sheing to stand up!” Several women stood up. The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnny.

    The minister shouted out, “Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up… I guess you are the only one here who isn’t preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!”

    Little Johnny replied, “Reverend, you ain’t said nothing about meing and meing!”

  • I Still Have Mine

    Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”

    Johnny’s father replied, “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.”