Sassy Little Jenny tilts her head and asks, “Mom, what’s that?” as she points at her silver vibrator.
Mom sighs and says, “It’s a toy for grown-ups.”
Jenny smirks and goes, “So why do you hide it every time Dad comes home?”
Sensitivity: Questionable
Questionable humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Brunette Jokes
What’s black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes.What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.What’s a brunette’s mating call?
“Has the blonde left yet?”Why didn’t Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo’s butt was more manageable.Why is the brunette considered an evil color?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage.Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price.Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache. -
The Top 16 Election Day Cocktails
The Top 16 Election Day Cocktails
16. Mudslinger
15. Non-Consensual Sex on the Beach
14. Pina Clintada: coconut, pineapple, and $250K for access to the bartender
13. Orange Whine Cooler
12. The Jill Beer Stein: a “germ”-in beer stein filled with penicillin
11. Slow Uncomfortable Grope Against the Wall
10. Mai-Tais to Wall Street
9. The Greatest: just toilet water, but believe me, everyone is saying it will be beautiful, the best cocktail you ever tasted
8. BenghaZima
7. The Gary Johnson: you’ll forget your troubles, foreign leaders, war zones…
6. Margarita (that Mexico will pay for!)
5. The Campaign Promise: an empty glass
4. White Russian Who Got a Meeting With the Secretary of State Because He Contributed to Her Foundation
3. Bloody Megyn
2. Screwedover: orange juice with lots of bitters
And the Number One Election Day Cocktail…
1. Pervy Wallbuilder
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Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew
Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don’t ask us. Just get your fat ass in a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it is up put it down.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
18. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes — what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
38. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
40. Anyone can buy condoms.
AND FINALLY,
41. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
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The Perfect Day According to Him and Her
The Perfect Day According to Him and Her
THE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HER
8:45 WAKE UP TO HUGS AND KISSES
9:00 3 KILOS LIGHTER ON THE SCALES
9:30 LIGHT BREAKFAST
11:00 SUNBATHE
12:30 LUNCH WITH BEST FRIEND AT OUTDOOR CAFE
1:45 SHOPPING
2:20 RUN INTO BOYFRIEND’S/HUSBAND’S EX — NOTICE SHE HAS GAINED 20LBS
3:00 FACIAL, MASSAGE, NAP
7:30 CANDLELIGHT DINNER FOR TWO AND DANCING
10:00 MAKE LOVE
11:30 PILLOW TALK IN HIS BIG STRONG ARMSTHE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HIM
10:00 WAKE UP
10:02 ORAL SEX
10:10 BIG COOKED BREAKFAST
11:30 DRIVE UP THE COAST IN FERRARI WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS
2:15 ENORMOUS LUNCH
3:15 ORAL SEX WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS
3:25 PLAY SPORTS WITH THE GUYS
4:30 DRINK BEER WITH THE GUYS
6:30 MEET ELLE MACPHERSON
6:40 ORAL SEX WITH ELLE MACPHERSON
6:50 HUGE DINNER, MORE BEER
8:00 USE ALL COMPONENTS OF HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM MAKING SURE ALL THE REMOTES WORK
11:00 FULL ON, GET DOWN, GORILLA SEX WITH EITHER ELLE MACPHERSON, GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS OR BOTH
11:10 SLEEP -
The Female Brain Is Used
A man went to the doctor’s. The doctor came in and said, “Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you’d like. The man’s brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman’s brain costs $30,000.00.”
The patient could not help but ask, “Why such a large difference between the male and female brain?”
The doctor replied, “The female brain is used.”
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Men’s English
Men’s English
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!
I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.
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If Men Rewrote The Rules
If Men Rewrote The Rules.
Rule # 1 – Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 – If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3 – If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4 – It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5 – Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6 – Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7 – You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.
Rule # 8 – Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rule # 9 – Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10 – Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11 – When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.
Rule # 12 – Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
