Sensitivity: Questionable

Questionable humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Little Old Lady and the Two Garbage Bags

    A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her.

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    One of the bags rips, and every so often a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

    A policeman notices and stops her.

    “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

    “Oh really? Darn,” says the little old lady. “I’d better go back and pick them up. Thanks for telling me.”

    “Hold on a second,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

    “Oh no,” she says. “You see, my backyard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, fans come and… relieve themselves through the fence into my flower garden.”

    “So I stand behind the fence with hedge clippers. Each time someone does it, I say: $20, or off it comes.”

    The cop laughs. “Well, that seems fair enough. Good luck, ma’am. By the way, what’s in the other bag?”

    “Well, you know,” says the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

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  • Blossom and Piggy in Dublin

    A priest was walking the streets of Dublin and came upon a little girl walking her dog. The little girl came up to the priest and smiled, so the priest inquired as to her name.

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    “Blossom,” said the little girl.

    “Oh Jaysus, what a pretty name. How’d you come to be named that, dear?”

    The little girl replied, “When my mother was pregnant with me she was walking through a park and a single flower blossom was carried by the wind and landed directly at her feet.”

    “Oh, what a sweet story,” the priest beamed. “And what might be the name of your dog?”

    “Piggy,” said the girl.

    “And why was he named that?” asked the priest.

    And the little girl says, “Because he fucks pigs.”

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  • It’s Perfectly Normal

    When my daughters were much younger, I tried to explain to them that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

    But they still make fun of me.

  • The Tailor and the Terrible Headaches

    Fred had been suffering from terrible headaches for over twenty years. Finally, he went to see a specialist. After a long examination, the doctor said:

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    “Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration. You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure.”

    Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery.

    When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache. As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life. Maybe even a new wardrobe.

    He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, why not?

    He walked in and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

    The elderly tailor looked him over and said, “You’re a size 44 long.”

    Fred laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?”

    “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor said.

    Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly.

    “How about a shirt?” the tailor asked.

    Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. “34 sleeve, 16½ neck.”

    “Amazing,” Fred said. “Exactly right.”

    “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor replied.

    After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already. Then the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?”

    “Sure,” Fred said.

    The tailor looked him over and said, “Size 36.”

    Fred laughed loudly. “Got you there! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen.”

    The tailor shook his head and said:

    “You can’t wear size 34. Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache.”

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  • Mabel and the Breathalyzer

    An old lady with dementia loved riding her motorized scooter around the nursing home.

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    She reached speeds of 5 mph, but in her mind she was zooming at breakneck speed. The staff and other residents of the nursing home took pleasure in humoring her fantasy.

    “Hold it right there, Mabel!” said a nurse, holding her hand up like a traffic cop. “I need to see your driver’s license.” Mabel reached into her purse and took out a picture of her grandkids. The nurse tells her to watch her speed and have a safe trip.

    A few minutes later, Mabel is stopped again by Rose, a fellow resident, who tells her they’ve had reports of a stolen car that matches the description of the scooter. Rose asks to see her registration, and Mabel procures an expired coupon from her purse. Rose examines it and tells Mabel she’s free to go. Mabel takes off down the hallway once again.

    She takes a wrong turn into George’s room and comes to a stop. George gets out of bed, naked, and walks over to her with his penis in his hand.

    “Oh damn,” says Mabel. “Not the breathalyzer again.”

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  • Warm Milk and Viagra at the Nursing Home

    A man was at the nursing home asking his father how the nursing home is doing. His father told him everyone treats him nice, the food is good, and every evening they get a warm glass of milk and a Viagra pill.

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    Outraged, the man jumps on the first orderly he sees and asks him why they are giving his father a Viagra pill with a warm glass of milk at night!

    The orderly explains, “The milk makes them sleepy and the Viagra stops them from rolling out of bed at night.”

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  • Crumpled Dollars and the Garage

    A wife arrives home on her husband’s day off.

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    She asks, “Hey Hubby, have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?”

    He says, “Erm… I dunno. Why?”

    She gives him a sexy smile, shakes her cleavage and says, “I wonder what’s in there?”

    Husband smiles, reaches in and pulls out a $20 crumpled note.

    Wife asks, “Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?”

    Husband says, “No I haven’t,” and starts to grin.

    She gives him another sexy smile and pulls up her skirt.

    He reaches into her tight panties and pulls out a crumpled fifty dollar bill and starts breathing heavily.

    “Now,” she says, “have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”

    “$50,000?! Where do I see that?” he asks, eyes wide open and heavily aroused.

    She says, “Go look in the garage.”

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  • The Wrong Recipient

    My wife sent a message to me:

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    “I am leaving you. Sex with you is not what it used to be. This is the end.”

    But I am so lucky — another message from her arrived:

    “Sorry. This message was not for you.”

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  • The Coldest Cabin in Alaska

    Three guys living way up in the far north of Alaska were sitting in their local bar on a brutally cold winter night. They started arguing about whose cabin was the coldest.

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    “It’s freezing in mine,” said the first guy.

    “You think that’s cold? Mine’s worse,” said the second.

    “Nope,” said the third guy, “my place is the coldest in the whole state.”

    To settle it, they decided to check each cabin.

    They went to the first guy’s cabin. He said, “Watch this,” and tossed a cup of water into the air. It froze solid before it hit the ground.

    “Pretty cold,” the others admitted.

    “But mine’s still colder.”

    Next, they went to the second cabin. He took a deep breath and exhaled. His breath froze into a little chunk and fell to the floor.

    “Okay… that’s colder,” the first guy said.

    But the third guy still claimed victory.

    Finally, they reached the third guy’s cabin.

    “Alright,” he said, “watch this.”

    He went into the bedroom, pulled back the blankets, and took out a little frozen ball of ice. He set it on a spoon, held a match under it, and warmed it gently.

    As soon as it thawed just enough, it went, “FFFAAAARRRRTTT!”

    He won.

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  • You’ve Got a Friend in Me

    The next Toy Story movie will include sex toys. They even wrote a new song for Andy’s mom:

    You’ve got a friend IN ME.