Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him and he’s the light of the world, I do it and I’m “making Thanksgiving awkward.”
Tone: cheeky
Cheeky humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I signed up for my company’s 401K…but I’m not sure that I can run that far.
I signed up for my company’s 401K…but I’m not sure that I can run that far.
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Why don’t boxers have sex the night before their match?
Why don’t boxers have sex the night before their match? Because they hate each other.
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Superman’s Superspeed Rooftop Encounter
Superman is flying over Metropolis on a hot summer day, coming home from a mission.
Suddenly in the distance he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a rooftop, completely nude. Superman thinks: “Man, she is so hot. I can fly down, fuck her with superspeed, and be back home with Lois in a few seconds without anyone noticing.”
So he speeds down there, does as planned and Wonder Woman only feels a rapid gush of wind and the building shaking.
“What on earth was that”, she stumbles.
The Invisible Man replies: “Fuck, I have no idea, but my ass suddenly hurts like hell!”
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Lousy at Golf
This guy in his 50s goes to the doctor.
“What’s your daily activity level like?” the doctor asks.
“Why do you ask?”
“Well, a guy your age, probably not eating all that healthy, probably not getting that much exercise…”
The guy shrugs. “Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake and outran a wild dog in the heavy brush.”
“Well, that sounds pretty good,” the doctor comments.
“That’s nothing,” the guy says. “The day before, I marched up and down several hills and outran a couple of bears.”
“That sounds really impressive.”
“And last weekend, I crawled out of quicksand, stood in a patch of poison ivy, and knocked down a small tree.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “it sounds like you’re one hell of an outdoorsman!”
“Nah,” the guy replies, “I’m just real lousy at golf.”
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Fifty Bucks Is Fifty Bucks
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”
Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 bucks — and 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”
Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter is 50 bucks — and 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s 50 bucks.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know — 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
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Viagra in the Coffee
A New York woman asked her doctor how to bring sex back into her marriage.
The doctor said, “Slip a Viagra into his coffee. He’ll never notice.”
A few days later, she called and said, “Doctor, it was awful!”
He said, “What happened?”
She said, “Well, I put it in his coffee, and before I knew it he swept everything off the table, and we went at it like newlyweds!”
The doctor said, “That doesn’t sound so awful.”
She said, “Oh, the sex was wonderful but we’re banned from Starbucks!”
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Balcony Popsicle Neighbourhood Watch
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“An ambulance just drove by!”
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike!”
“Looks like the Sandersons are moving!”
“Jason is on his skateboard!”
After a few moments he announced,
“The Coopers are having sex!!”
Startled, his mother and father shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
“How do you know they’re having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
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Elderly Couple Pulled Over by a Cop From Arkansas
An elderly couple driving get pulled over by a cop. The woman is behind the wheel, and is a bit hard of hearing.
The cop: “Ma’am, you were speeding.”
She turns to her husband: “What? What did he say?”
He shouts into her ear: “You were speeding!”
The cop: “Your license, please.”
Once again, she turns to her husband: “What did he say?”
He shouts even louder into her ear: “Give him your license!”
She hands it over.
The cop looks at it and says: “Oh, you’re from Arkansas. I remember being there once… and having the absolute worst sex of my life.”
The woman: “What? What did he say?”
The husband shouts into her ear: “He said he knows you!”
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Lawyers Exchanging Sandwiches at a Restaurant
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order coffee, and pull out their sandwiches.
An annoyed waitress rushes over and says, “Excuse me, you can’t eat your own food here!”
The lawyers look at her, then at each other, and exchange sandwiches.
