My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Tone: Clever
Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I Learned Next to Nothing
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of the dictionary, and I learned next to nothing.
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Increasing the GDP
Two businessmen were walking down the street, when one of them spots a pile of dog shit on the ground.
Being bored, he tells the other guy, “Hey, if you eat that, I’ll give you $10k right now.”
Naturally, he plugs his nose and eats it. As promised, the first one pulls $10k out of his wallet and hands it over. It’s a big wallet, I guess.
A mile later, they spot another pile. This time, the second businessman tells the first, “$10k to eat that right now!”
Of course, the first one takes the deal. Easy money, right?
They continue walking, and after a moment, the first one says, “You know, it occurs to me we both just ate dog shit, and we’re not a penny richer.”
After a moment, the second one replies, “Yes, but we increased the GDP by $20k.”
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The Most Potent Aphrodisiac
Mrs. Jones has been happily married to her husband for 50 years, but she is disappointed by how they are no longer intimate anymore in their autumn years. She decides to see her doctor.
“Mrs. Jones, how can I help you?” the doctor smiles. She explains her situation and the doctor nods.
“That is fine, Mrs. Jones, I can give you some pills for him to take.” Mrs. Jones shakes her head sadly. “Doctor, he refuses to take pills. It’s too embarrassing for him to think he has to take pills for sex.”
The doctor says, “Ok, take this vial of liquid and put it in his morning coffee.”
Mrs. Jones leaves and comes back the next day. “Nothing, doctor, not even a hint of passion,” she says, disappointed.
“Fine,” the doctor says. “Take this edible gel, and when you make him lunch, spread it on his sandwiches like butter. That’ll perk him up.”
Mrs. Jones leaves and comes back the next day, annoyed. “Again, nothing. He didn’t so much as get excited, even when I wore some lacy panties to bed that night.”
The doctor scratches his head. “Right then.” He goes to a drawer and comes back with a medication that comes in a salt shaker. “Put this on his dinner. It is our most potent aphrodisiac.”
Mrs. Jones leaves and comes back the next day, absolutely furious. The doctor says, “Mrs. Jones, you must be joking, surely something happened.”
Mrs. Jones angrily exclaims, “As soon as he had one bite, he got a mad glint in his eye. He took me and we had mad, wild, passionate sex. Right there on the table!”
The doctor is confused. “But surely that’s what you wanted.”
Mrs. Jones replies, “Of course, it was the best sex I have ever had in my life.”
The doctor says, “But why are you so upset?”
Mrs. Jones shouts, “I can never show my face in that restaurant again!!”
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It’s Hard to Say
I told my wife I absolutely love Worcestershire sauce.
She asked what’s so special about it.
“It’s hard to say,” I answered.
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Not Enough Because I Have to Go Back Tomorrow
I just asked my son what he learned today at school, and he told me, “Not enough, because I have to go back tomorrow.”
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Vanished Without a Tres
I recently attended a magic show in Mexico…
The magician said, “Uno, dos,” and then vanished without a tres.
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Now I’m a Registered Sex Offender
My doctor told me I could have a stroke at any time.
Now I’m a registered sex offender.
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Five Loaves of Rye Bread
Two old friends, Earl (80) and Frank (87), were sitting on a park bench one morning.
Frank had just finished his morning walk around the park and didn’t even look winded.
Earl was amazed and asked, “Frank, how do you have so much energy at your age?”
Frank grinned and said, “Simple… I eat rye bread every single day.”
“It keeps your energy up and gives you great stamina with the ladies.”
On his way home, Earl stopped by the local bakery.
The young woman behind the counter asked, “Can I help you, sir?”
Earl said, “Yes ma’am… do you sell rye bread?”
“Of course we do,” she replied. “How many loaves would you like?”
Earl thought for a moment and said, “Better make it five loaves.”
The baker looked surprised and said, “Five loaves? By the time you get to the third one, it’ll be hard.”
Earl muttered under his breath, “Well I’ll be… I can’t believe everybody already knows about this.”
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Make Hens Meet
I used to run a dating service for chickens but I had to shut it down.
I struggled to make hens meet.
