Tone: Clever

Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • You Wanted Me to Say Shingles

    A man claims he has the smartest dog in the world. His friend doesn’t believe him.

    “Prove it,” the friend says.

    The man points to his dog and says, “Go get me something to eat.”

    The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.

    “Lucky guess,” says the friend.

    The man tries again: “Go get me something to drink.”

    The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.

    The friend is impressed but still skeptical.

    “Alright… ask him something harder.”

    The man nods and says, “What’s on top of a house?”

    The dog barks, “Roof!”

    The friend laughs. “That’s it? Any dog could do that!”

    The dog looks at him and says, “You wanted me to say shingles?”

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  • The Siskel and Ebert

    A husband asked his wife to try a new sex position. She was in an adventurous but shy mood so she agreed but asked if they could do it in the dark.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Following his directions, she got on all fours and was surprised to find herself being entered by both holes at once.

    “Oh, that’s actually very nice, but how are you doing it?”

    “It’s all in the name my darling. It’s called the Siskel and Ebert.”

    “The Siskel and Ebert? What on earth does that mean?”

    “Two thumbs up!”

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  • Youll Never Hit Her From Here

    Two guys were out playing golf.

    Dan stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity – looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

    Finally his exasperated friend Ken cried, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”

    “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot,” answered Dan.

    “Forget it, man,” said Ken. “You’ll never hit her from here.”

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  • Nothing Good to Eat Between Thanksgiving and Christmas

    A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line…

    She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.

    So the guy does it, and it comes out looking really good.

    The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.

    So the guy does it, and it comes out looking good, too.

    As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

    She says, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

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  • No Honey, No Butter

    One afternoon Tommy was playing in the backyard when he smacked a buzzing honeybee with a stick.

    His dad saw it and said, “Tommy! That’s not nice. Because of that, you’re not getting any honey for a whole month!”

    A little later, Dad walked outside again and caught Tommy pulling the wings off a butterfly.

    “Well, that does it,” his dad said. “No butter for you for a month either!”

    That evening, Tommy’s mom was making dinner in the kitchen when a cockroach suddenly ran across the floor. She shrieked, grabbed her slipper, and squashed it flat.

    She turned around and noticed Tommy and his dad staring at her.

    Tommy looked up at his father and said, “Well, Dad… are you going to explain it to her, or should I?”

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  • The Elevator Operator

    I took an elevator up to the 69th floor for a meeting and as I was getting out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I grumbled, “Don’t call me son. You’re not my dad.”

    He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

    After my meeting, I got back on the elevator to go back down and the same operator was there.

    I didn’t say anything to him, but when we got to the ground floor, he said to me, “I’m sorry.”

    “Because you thought you were my dad?” I asked him.

    He shook his head. “No, son, because I let you down.”

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  • At the Finnish Line

    Where did the Helsinki marathon end?

    At the Finnish line.

  • Hung Like a Horse

    This horse and rabbit were hanging out in their pasture when the horse went to get a drink out of the pond. Something spooked him and he fell in the mud and got stuck. The rabbit scampered off and got into the farmer’s Mercedes and drove down, threw a rope, and the horse bit the rope and the rabbit was able to pull them out.

    A couple of days later the rabbit fell in the mud, so the horse wanted to return the favor. He galloped over, straddled the pond and let his dong down for the rabbit to grab onto. The rescue was successful.

    The moral of the story is that when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes.

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  • A Big Step Forward

    My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

    That would be a big step forward.

  • Sails Are Going Through the Roof

    I started a business making yachts in the attic.

    Sails are going through the roof.