A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink…
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
Tone: Clever
Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I Could See Myself Working There
They’re building a mirror factory in my town.
I could see myself working there.
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A Hundred Dollar Bill
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”
“Well,” Larry replied, “for one, I like to watch my money grow; two, once in a while I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime.”
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Taking Steps to Avoid Them
I’m scared of elevators…
So I’m taking steps to avoid them.
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Thats a Hard One
Three nuns die and all go to Heaven. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter appears.
“I will ask each of you one question,” he says. “You must answer correctly the first time, and you will be granted access to Heaven.”
Of course, they are all nervous, but the first nun steps up.
“Who was the first man created?” St. Peter asks.
“Easy, that was Adam,” the nun replies gleefully.
The gates open, music starts playing, and in she goes.
“Next,” says St. Peter, turning to the second nun, “who was the first woman created?”
“Eve, of course!” she replies.
The gates open, music starts playing, and she enters.
St. Peter then looks at the third nun and asks, “And what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
The third nun looks puzzled, but she’s determined to get into Heaven. She thinks and thinks, then finally mutters under her breath, “Boy… that’s a hard one.”
And the gates open, the music starts playing, and she walks into Heaven.
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Worse Off Than I Am
A judge is asking a husband why he wants a divorce.
Husband, “Your honor, every so often, my wife makes me peel garlic, chop onions, and wash dishes.”
Judge, “What’s the problem? Warm the garlic first, it peels easily. Put the onion in the fridge, no tears while chopping… I do this at least once a week. Soak the dishes for 10 minutes, they’ll clean themselves. I do this almost every day.”
Husband, “Got it! Your honor, I withdraw my case.”
Judge, “Why are you withdrawing?”
Husband, “Cause apparently, you’re worse off than I am.”
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The Results Are Staggering
Scientists have finished a study on how alcohol can affect a person’s ability to walk.
The results are staggering.
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First Class Isnt Going to Sydney
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, walks into first class, and sits down.
The flight attendant sees this and asks to check her ticket. She explains that the passenger paid for economy and will need to return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney, and I’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde passenger in first class who belongs in economy and refuses to move.
The co-pilot goes back and tries to explain, but the blonde just repeats, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney, and I’m staying right here.”
Frustrated, the co-pilot tells the pilot they may need to have police waiting when they land.
The pilot says, “You said she’s blonde? I’ve got this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He walks back, leans down, and whispers something in her ear.
The blonde immediately says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” gets up, and returns to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed. “What did you say to her?”
The pilot smiles and says, “I told her first class isn’t going to Sydney.”
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The Moyel and the Leather Worker
The Moyel and the Leather Worker
In the Jewish religion, the ritual specialist who conducts circumcision (“bris”) is called a “moyel”.
So this one moyel works for decades, and saves all his clippings. When he retires, he takes them to a leather worker, and asks if he can make something out of them.
A couple of weeks later, the leather worker calls the moyel in and lays a wallet on the counter.
“What? Sixty years in the trenches and all I get is a wallet?” cries the moyel.
“Rub it. It turns into a suitcase.”
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Bringing Her Back
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he sped down I-95, pressing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper — blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out and walked up to the Corvette. He glanced at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused, then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.
