I finally worked up the courage to ask my blind coworker if she was currently seeing anyone.
She said, “No, but I have a boyfriend.”
Tone: Clever
Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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A Pirated Copy
My friend said his favorite Star Wars quote was, “Aargh Luke, ye scurvy dog, I be yer father.”
I think he got a pirated copy.
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The Gynecologist Mechanic
A gynecologist had grown tired of malpractice insurance, paperwork, and burnout.
Hoping to start a new career where skilled hands would still be useful, he decided to become a mechanic.
He enrolled in evening classes at a local technical college, studied diligently, and learned everything he could.
When the practical exam finally arrived, he prepared carefully and completed it with tremendous skill.
A few days later, he received his results and was shocked to discover he had scored 150%.
Assuming there had been some kind of mistake, he called the instructor.
“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful,” he said, “but I think there may be an error in my score.”
The instructor replied, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly. That earned you 50%.”
“You then put the engine back together perfectly. That earned you the other 50%.”
After a brief pause, the instructor added:
“I gave you an extra 50% because you did the whole thing through the exhaust pipe, and I’ve never seen that done before.”
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Jose at the Ballgame
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
“What happened?” asked his family.
“Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!” he said. “Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, ‘Jose, can you see?’”
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Sister Sally and the Gin
Sister Sally goes into the liquor store and asks for a pint of gin.
The clerk is taken aback. “Sister. What are you doing buying such a thing?”
“It’s okay,” replied Sister Sally. “It’s for the Mother Superior’s constipation.”
“Oh well then that’s okay.” And he sells her the gin.
After he closes up shop, he’s walking home and sees Sister Sally on the park bench absolutely blotto, just sloppy and singing bawdy songs and making a spectacle of herself.
“Sister!” he cried. “I thought you said the gin was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”
“It is,” replied the Sister. “When she sees me like this she’s gonna shit!”
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Is There Baseball in Heaven
Two elderly Jews, Abe and Solomon, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons, and talking about baseball, like they do every single day.
Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”
Sol thinks about this for a minute, and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: If I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you can do the same for me.”
They shake on it, and sadly, a couple of months later, Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So… Is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “there’s good news, and there’s bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says, “Well, I can tell you that there IS baseball in heaven!”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that???”
Abe sighs sadly, and whispers, “You’re pitching for us on Friday…”
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I Have Contacts
I’ve just been pulled over by a police officer. He saw my license and said I’m supposed to be wearing glasses. I said I have contacts.
He said he didn’t care who I knew.
