Tone: Clever

Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Hickory Daiquiri, Doc

    A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

    One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

    The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

    “No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender. “It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Top 15 Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part I)

    15. Waiting Really, Really Long to Exhale

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    14. Prescription: Impossible

    13. Being Robert Downey, Jr.

    12. Cheech and Chong’s “Saving Private Ryan”

    11. Bridget Jones’s Darvocet

    10. Good Pill Hunting

    9. Schindler’s Spliff

    8. Look Who’s Toking

    7. A Reefer Runs Through It

    6. From Busta to Nelly

    5. The Road to El Doritos

    4. Peyote Ugly

    3. Finding Primo

    2. Bender Like Belushi

    1. Tootski

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Breakfast

    The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

    “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning.”

    “There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • This Is a Singles Bar

    A man walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, I’d like a pint of beer.”

    The bartender serves the drink and says, “That’ll be four dollars.”

    The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

    “Sorry, sir,” the bartender says, “but I can’t accept that.”

    The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. “What’s going on here?” the man asks.

    Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, “This is a Singles Bar.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Maybe Later

    An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge of the hotel and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double Scotch on the rocks.”

    “What do you want to do, get me in trouble?” the barmaid asked.

    “Maybe later,” the kid said. “Right now, I just want the Scotch.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • We’re on the Patch

    Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror — the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”

    The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”

    They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”

    “Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.

    “I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.

    “Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”

    “Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “what on earth are those things on your forehead?”

    “That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. “You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the Patch!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Sting Operation

    Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?

    It was a sting operation.

  • Piano Man Gay Bar

    Piano Man Gay Bar

    notquitesoancient: you know who’s gay? paul the real estate novelist who never had time for a wife and davey who’s still in the navy and probably will be for life

    mooncustafer: New headcannon: everyone in that song is gay except the Piano Man who has no idea he’s playing at a gay bar and the staff and regulars have a betting pool on how long he’ll take to finally figure it out. So far John is ahead.

    skeleton-richard: #that makes the ‘man what are you doing here’ line way funnier

  • You’re Next

    Old people at weddings always poke me and say, “You’re next.”

    So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  • Beware of Doug

    Beware of Doug

    BEWARE OF DOUG

    ACME SALES CO.