look what I found in my mother’s room
Aye man, I wouldn’t watch that if I were you
Tone: crude
Crude humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Bank Robbery and the Triplets
So a lady walks into a bank, and right when she gets into the bank it gets held up, and she gets shot three times in the stomach, and she’s pregnant, so that’s no good.
She’s rushed to the hospital and they fix her up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, “Oh! You’re going to have triplets. Don’t worry, they’ll be just fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.”
As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, “Mommy, a very weird thing just happened to me. I was going to the bathroom and a bullet dropped into the toilet.” The woman comforts her and tells her what happened at the bank.
A couple weeks later, the other daughter comes up and goes, “Mom, I was in the bathroom and I heard a ping and there was a bullet there.”
The mother goes, “Honey, don’t worry,” and tells her about the bank.
A month later the son comes in and says, “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”
“You passed a bullet into the toilet, didn’t you?”
“No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”
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The Police Dog Fetch
Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs.
One says to the other, “I left my panties at the police station.”
The other says, “Let the dog have a whiff of your minge and he’ll go and fetch them.”
Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector’s fingers.
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Iron This
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and yells, “If I’m about to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A drunk fellow stands up, removes his shirt and says, “HERE, FUCKIN’ IRON THIS!”
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The Gorilla and the Lion at the Safari Camp
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink…
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion exclaims, “Oh my gosh! It’s in the paper already?”
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The Frat Bro and the Nuns
Two frat bros are walking along when they see a group of nuns walking up the opposite side of the street.
After a little bit of a ruckus, one of the young men runs across the road and approaches the nuns.
“Excuse me, are you the head nun?” he asks the lead nun sheepishly.
“Yes, my son. I am the Mother Superior of the convent. What can I do for you?” she replies with a curious grin.
“Well ma’am, I have a strange question. But, umm, are any of your nuns midgets?” he spits out. Seeing her shocked face, he continues. “You know, maybe a dwarf, pygmy, something like that?”
“My son,” she calmly states, “we would welcome anyone into our convent, regardless of stature. But no, we currently have no sisters that are little people.”
And with that the frat bro turns to his buddy, who is still on the other side of the road, and hollers, “Hey Gary, I told you ya fucked a penguin last night!”
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Bear Hunting
Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or you let me fuck you in the ass.”
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices — either I maul you to death or you let me fuck you in the ass.”
Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.
Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear lets out a huge sigh and says, “Admit it, Bob, you’re not here for the hunting, are you?”
