Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A British spy, Irish spy and Scottish spy are captured by the Nazis…
Just as the Nazis are about to open fire, the British spy shouts
“Hurricane!”
and all the Nazis run, allowing the British spy to escape
Angered, they return, and prepare to shoot the Scottish spy when he shouts
“Typhoon!”
and all the Nazis run, allowing the Scottish spy to escape
The Nazis return again, angry, to kill the Irish spy when he shouts
“Fire!”
A drug store owner walks in and notices a man leaning stiffly against the wall.
He asks the clerk, “What’s wrong with that guy?”
The clerk says, “He came in looking for something for a cough. We were out of cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxatives.”
The owner shouts, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk replies, “Oh yeah? Look at him… he’s afraid to cough.”
A nice, calm, and respectable woman walks into a pharmacy, goes straight to the pharmacist, looks him in the eye, and says, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asks, “Why on earth do you need cyanide?”
The woman replies, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes widen, and he exclaims, “My God! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! We’ll both go to jail! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo and replies, “Well, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
I left my car unattended with my accordion on view in the front passenger seat. When I got back, someone had broken into my car
and left another accordion.
This guy with a lisp goes to buy a horse.
He asks the farmer, “Can I thee her walk?”
The farmer says, “Sure.” And he pats the horse’s rear to make it walk.
Then the guy asks, “Can I thee her wun?”
The farmer says, “Sure.” And he slaps the horse’s rear to make it run.
Then the guy asks, “Can I thee her twot?”
The farmer says, “Um, sure?” And he lifts the horse’s tail.
A man is talking to his therapist. “Doc, I feel like I’m wasting my life. All I do is sit around reading fantasy books. Must be my 50th time going through Tolkien. I feel so directionless.”
The therapist tells him, “I would suggest finding a real hobby. One that gets you out of the house. Try it this week and come back.”
The man shrugs. “Well, I guess it’s worth a shot.”
The man goes back the following week and is on cloud nine. “Doc! I took your advice and I’ve had the best week ever. I must have been to a dozen different pubs, I went foraging for mushrooms, and I’ve been on all sorts of adventures.”
“That’s great to hear. What did you do different?”
“Instead of telling you, why don’t I show you?”
The man opens the door and pulls in a little person with shaggy hair, bare feet, and smoking a long wooden pipe.
The therapist is confused. “What does this person have to do with your new hobby?”
There’s a long pause before the man replies, “Ohhh. Did you say get a hobby?”
My kids refused to eat leftover tacos for dinner, so my wife told me to just throw them out.
Now I don’t know what to do with all the extra tacos.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the American countryside. After a hearty meal and a bottle of wine, they settled in for the night.
A few hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his friend, “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson gazed upward and said, “I see millions of stars.”
Holmes asked, “And what does that tell you?”
Watson thought for a moment and said, “Astronomically, it tells me there are countless galaxies and planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, I’d say it’s about a quarter past three. Theologically, it shows that God is all-powerful and we are small. And weather-wise, I’d expect a beautiful day tomorrow.”
Holmes paused briefly, then shook his head.
“Watson, you fool… it means that someone has stolen our tent.”
