Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Deaf Mute Parents

    A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his dreams across a dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

    Saturday night, the young man arrives at her house with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. “I’m sorry,” she exclaims, “I’m running a bit late. Please come in and I’ll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish dressing. I should warn you though, they are both deaf mutes.” With this, she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.

    As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching football on TV and Mum is busy knitting.

    After about 10 minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her backside. Just as sudden, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

    The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster. The young man is totally pre-occupied by the antics of the young lady’s parents.

    At the end of the date, sensing something is seriously wrong, the young lady asks the young guy, “What’s the matter? What have I done wrong?”

    “No, it’s not you,” he replied, “It’s just that the strangest thing happened whilst I was waiting for you and I’m still shocked. Well, first your mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back and places a match stick by his eye.”

    “Oh, is that all?” replies the girl.

    The man can’t believe her casual response.

    “Mum was simply saying, ‘Are you going to get this asshole a drink?’ And Dad was replying, ‘No, fuck him, I’m watching the match.’”

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  • Her Mum Died Too

    A blonde goes to work in tears.

    Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?”
    She says, “My mum died.” He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.”

    Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What’s wrong?” She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mum died, too!”

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  • The Ten Dollar Withdrawal

    An elderly woman walked into a bank, handed her card to the teller, and said politely, “I’d like to withdraw $10.”

    The teller barely looked up and replied, “For withdrawals under $100, you’ll need to use the ATM.”

    The old lady calmly asked, “Why is that?”

    Clearly annoyed, the teller handed the card back and snapped, “Those are the rules, ma’am. Please step aside if there’s nothing else. There’s a line of customers waiting.”

    The old lady stood quietly for a moment, then handed the card back again and said, “In that case, I’d like to withdraw all the money in my account.”

    The teller smirked… until she checked the balance.

    Her attitude changed immediately.

    Lowering her voice, she said, “Ma’am… you have $300,000 in your account. Unfortunately, we don’t keep that much cash on hand. We can arrange an appointment for tomorrow.”

    The old lady nodded and asked, “How much can I withdraw right now?”

    “Up to $3,000,” the teller replied warmly.

    “Perfect,” the old lady said. “I’ll take it.”

    Moments later, the teller returned with the cash, smiling and treating her like royalty.

    The old lady carefully placed $10 into her purse… then handed the remaining $2,990 back across the counter.

    “I’d like to deposit this back into my account, please.”

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  • The Voodoo Doll Wife

    My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

    I replied: “No.”

    She responded: “How about now?”

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  • The Master Key and the Bad Lock

    A woman said, “If I sleep with 3 men, I’m labeled EASY.

    But when a man sleeps with 10 women everyone calls him a real man. How come?”

    A Chinese man replied, “It’s very simple.

    Confucius say, when one lock can be opened by three different keys, it’s a bad lock!

    But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!”

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  • Johnny’s Inventory

    Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

    Johnny: “Seven.”

    Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

    Johnny: “Seven.”

    Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

    Johnny: “Six.”

    Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

    Johnny: “Seven!”

    Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

    Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

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  • Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II)

    The Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II)

    13. Maybe it’s the burqas, but there’s something unsettling about Jihad and the Pussycats.

    12. Miss Hannigan is hard of hearing and thinks she has been promised 72 urchins.

    11. You overhear “Eh, what’s up, bin Doc?”

    10. Who else would have masterminded the tainted spinach outbreak last September?

    9. You hear “Arriba! Arriba!” and look up to see an unattended, ticking package where there was nothing a moment before.

    8. Cathy hasn’t packed on as many pounds over the years as you’d think: “Ack! This sweater won’t fit over my suicide belt!”

    7. “I tawt I taw an imperialit devil. I did! I did see an imperialit devil!”

    6. He’s on Al-Jazeera declaring, “Ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdeath to America!”

    5. When that sociopathic, sadistic bitch once again yanks the football away from Charlie Brown, he cuts off her hands then has her stoned to death.

    4. Your interrogators seem to think this Pinocchio character is lying.

    3. “Duck season!” “Rabbit season!” “Duck season!” “Rabbit season!” “Rabbit season!” “DucKA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!”

    2. Seen taking ACME BAT WING flying lessons without learning how to land.

    1. “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for some mustard gas today.”

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  • Daddy Longlegs in Texas

    A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

    He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

    Suddenly, she stopped and stared at the ground.

    He went over and saw she was looking at two spiders mating.

    “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

    “They’re mating,” her father replied.

    “What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

    “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.

    “So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.

    “No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”

    The little girl thought for a moment, then picked up one foot and stomped them flat.

    “Well,” she said, “that might be okay in California and Massachusetts, but we’re not having any of that crap here in Texas!”

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  • The Blonde and the Insemination Man

    A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

    One morning, as he heads out to check on the cows, the rancher says:

    “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows. I drove a nail into the 2×4 above the stall of the cow I want bred. Please show him where she is when he gets here.”

    The rancher leaves for the fields.

    A while later, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the door.

    “I’m here to inseminate the cow,” he says.

    Amy leads him down to the barn and walks along the row of cows. When she sees the nail, she says, “This is the one right here.”

    The man smirks, assuming he’s dealing with a clueless blonde.

    “Tell me,” he says, “how do you know that’s the right cow?”

    “That’s simple,” she replies. “By the nail that’s over its stall,” she explains very confidently.

    Laughing rudely at her, the man asks, “And what exactly is the nail for?”

    Amy turns to leave and says over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

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  • The Irish Man and the Beer at the Bar

    An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him…

    The Chinese man takes a drink, and the Irish man says to him, “Do you know Kung Fu?”

    The Chinese man says, “Why, because I’m Chinese? That’s just racist!”

    The Irish man says, “No, I ask because you’re drinking my beer.”

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