The cool thing about having multiple personality disorder is that you get to write a shitload of autobiographies!
Tone: irreverent
Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Holy Trinity
Probably the easiest way to explain the mystery of the Holy Trinity is that One pokes the Other in the eye and the Third goes “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” a lot. Of course, that might just be the NyQuil talking.
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Russian Condom Crisis Gets American Solution
Gorbachev called Clinton with an emergency: “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried. “My people’s favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!”
“Mikhael, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the President.
“I do need your help,” said Gorbachev. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?”
“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!” said Clinton.
“Oh, and one more small favor, please?”
“Yes?” “Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?”
“No problem,” replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan.
“I need a favor, you’ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.”
“Consider it done,” said the President of Trojan.
“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”
“Easily done. Anything else?”
“Yeah,” said the President, “print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one.”
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Professor Who Changed My Whole Life
In college, I took a class from a professor who changed my whole life. I can’t really remember what his name was, or what the class was, or even which college it was, but I found that if you sit behind a really tall guy and kind of slouch down in your chair you can drink Scotch right from the bottle and not get caught.
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Best Friend’s Cat Confusion
Jim was in bed with his best friend’s wife. Just as things were reaching a climax, he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. “What the hell’s wrong with you?” she asked.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos -
Mailbox Meet-Cute Takes Unexpected Turn
A man rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of an apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. He smiled at her and she struck up a conversation. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was quite obvious that she had nothing on under the robe. He broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”
He preceded her into the apartment, and after she closed the door, she leaned against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purred at him, “I saw you looking. What would you say is my best feature?”
He cleared his throat several times, looked her up and down and finally managed to squeak out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”
She was astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re all mine! My butt — it’s firm, doesn’t sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”
Clearing his throat once again, he stammered, “Outside when you said you heard someone coming — THAT WAS ME!”
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Doggy Style Ruins Knees Every Time
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, “There must be something you’re doing that you haven’t told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?”
“Well,” she said a little sheepishly, “my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.”
“That’s got to be it,” said the doctor. “There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.”
“Not if you’re going to watch TV, there ain’t,” she replied.
